Date: 1st April 2021
Dear reader, today in therapy we were asked to reflect on how my life would have been different if I'd known I was autistic since I was young... here are my thoughts...
Well you asked me today how my life would have been different if I had known what was “wrong” with me my entire life. I can’t help but think that maybe everything would have changed. The way I saw myself my entire life, my experiences of this cruel, dark, isolating world. Maybe I would be someone different, someone who would look in the mirror and see something other than disappointment and hatred reflected in her eyes. Someone who would have more confidence in herself and her skills, someone who had a steady, reliable, supportive and unconditionally loving relationships in her life. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt like the family let down, black sheep of my family my entire life? Maybe I would have found people just like me, had support, gained a firm understanding of how I function and the things I can do with ease vs the things I need to prepare for? Maybe I wouldn’t be fueled by hurtful fury turned inwards? Maybe I wouldn’t be so damn angry at my parents for not looking further into why I was “a weird child” and instead of pinning it on me and saying it “was you being you”, that they would have been brave enough to seek help and learn how to deal with a child who’s atypical. I’d love to think the whole college thing wouldn't have happened, that I would have been accepted there and had help and never had to have lied, betraying myself and my core values for three years. That I wouldn’t have the struggles carved onto my skin by my stupid fucking weak younger self, for the rest of my life and hate myself more and more as I catch sight of them in the mirror or on zoom, all the while knowing forever, there will be no escaping the judgemental looks and comments from those around me. And that maybe, just maybe, I would be stable enough to not be here. Not still needing help. Not still be letting everyone I love and care about down, time and time again. Not be here writing something for an amazing, understanding man, who is only a part of my life because I fucked up so badly, I no longer had the will to fight and gave up yet a-fucking-gain! Maybe if I had known all along, I would still have Aaron in my life? And not have fucked up everything with Mercedes? But most of all, I’d have ME in my life, not a cruel, isolating, harsh, hate fueled, self loathing, never trusting and fucking stupid idiot, that I see looking back at me in pictures, in the mirror and in every piece of writing I ever create. Maybe if I had known, I wouldn’t hate myself so much I just want to slash it away with a blade, because someone like me deserves to feel the pain I inflict on others, and more. I hate every inch of me and if I could cut it all away, I’d do so. I’ve done nothing other than hurt, annoy, lash out and push people to their extreme limits all my life, so maybe nothing would have changed if I knew? Maybe I’d still be the same vindicitive, idiotic, ugly, scarred monster, destined to be alone and hurt forever?
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