Autistically Me


Anxiety Poems
Below are a collection of anxiety themed poems.
Fighting for Control
Fear grows deep within, a seed which my past planted
For not matter how fierce I may seem, I am not by it enchanted
It’s an illusion, it’s fake, it’s anxiety calling my personal shots
What I can and cannot do, ain’t up to me, it’s anxiety that joins the dots
Anxiety is controlling, it cuts deep
Anxiety keeps me awake when I want to sleep
Anxiety ain’t my friend
Anxiety drives me round the bend
Pain flares inside my mind, another has gone
Anxiety has again used me as its pawn
For I am alone, the silence scares me
But still anxiety won’t let me be
It’s dark inside, a maze, a mess, unstable
The outside us it’s labelled
Weird, weak, scarred monster, unlovable knower
They stare at my weakness exposed, waiting for me to sink lower
My mind says, you should’ve… I’m never good enough
And when I try to fight, anxiety builds itself of stronger stuff
It’s metal,stone, concrete,it’s unbent by my will
I am wool, the breeze battering itself against a rocky hill
Sometimes I win, my mind at last quiet
Then anxiety inside does riot
It gathers itself and comes back when I fear it most
A classroom, a tutors office, inside I am far from the safe coast
In deep waters I drown, silence encasing all around
My hands, legs and heart are strongly bound
I’m sinking, falling too fast, danger’s inside
And I sit there wide and damply eyed
Sometimes I wish my anxiety were gone
But without it, would I see tomorrows dawn?
What would life be without anxiety controlling me?
What would life be if I were completely and utterly free?
I can but dream of a time like that
A time of peace and quiet with no verbal spat
I will never know a life that is free
For I know my anxiety will never truly leave me.
Anxiety Attack
World shrinks, closing in, dark
Colours dull, sounds blur, stark
Heart pounds, hands shake, fear
Breath dissipates, hearing gone, veer
Thought fog, mind rushes, inert
Knees weak, tears fall, hurt
Voices yell, people go, alone
Body shaking, voice breaking, groan
Legs collapse, body reacts, flee
Tears fall, I’m gasping, plea
Death’s near, breathing fast, panic
Touch nothing, I’m invisible, manic
Help me, see me, distorted
Nobody comes, nothing helps, thwarted
Words dim, snot builds, peerless
No light, no future, cheerless
Cold settles, fingers pick, pain
Lip bleeds, teeth gnaw, slain
Nails bitten, fingers bloody, slow
Anxiety driven, jitters inside, woah
Calming down, heart slowing, free
Thoughts clear, body listens, me
Colours brighten, sounds appear, here
Breathing again, death going, seer
Legs standing, tears wiped, normal
Feeling again, clean up, formal
Mask up, perfectly pretend, fine
Keep going, classes return, mine
Time ticks, what next, hope
Pleading inside, music loud, cope
Hide away, feel shame, clash
Anxiety builds, not again, crash
Anxiety No More?
Sitting up late at night, wandering about in my head
What would life be without my anxiety, would it be free of dread?
Would I never overthink the things I had said?
Would I be able to stay in those rooms from which I’d fled?
Could I go out into the world and be free?
Could I go anywhere and not fall down mentally?
Would I not have a nagging voice choking me?
Is this what life would be like without my anxiety?
Would I be able to speak to all kinds of folk?
And never upon my words would I choke?
Would I have the guts in those classes to have spoke?
Would I crack with my friends a really bad joke?
Would I walk down a street, tall and proud?
Would I finally be free of this darkened shroud?
Would I speak freely to a stranger filled crowd?
Could I stop my head from being always bowed?
Could I sing badly for all to hear?
And not have my head filled with fear?
Could I laugh with friends while they drink beer?
And laugh with them when they at me jeer?
Think of all the scary experiences I’d be all for!
Think of the ways I could leap out my front door!
Think of the love that could make my heart sore!
Think of the new people I could adore!
There’s so many things I would do more
If only my anxiety wasn’t such a bore
World
Sometimes I feel like I am powerless in the world I live
Like there’s simply too much on in my head, so much noise
Like everyone around me, takes from me, more than I can give
Like within this world, to them my emotions are simply toys
I feel trapped in this world so often I am no longer scared by it
I’ve never really fitted in, been accepted by the ones I love much
I am always humming with anxieties hidden behind smiles and a quick wit
I know not a place where pain isn’t so strong it takes my breath, with a single touch
I often feel like I am not being myself but yet I don’t know who I am
I lock myself away behind walls so tall I can no longer find the light
Yet my feelings boil and simmer till they knock down my walls with a tiny slam
And then the protection I cling to, is gone, torn away and I am left alone to fight
I do try to raise my voice, to silence her voice and keep myself sane
I do try to be better, to be organised, to be “on it” and to keep myself alive
I do try to eat enough, to worry little, to be brave and to keep myself from pain
But no matter how many lists, ticks and grades, I never seem to ever thrive
I keep myself wrapped in mystery, not open but yet not closed
I am fearful of forgetting something or letting myself go
I never am at peace but I always try to stay coldly composed
I try to keep the time from running away or going too slow
Sometimes I feel like i am powerless in the world I live
Like there’s too much around for me to take in
Like everything around me syphons from me, anything I can give
Because I spend all my time in my darkened head, trying to fight a war, I’ll never win
Coming Clean
When I came clean to you that day, you stood unshaken
You told me it was all ok, that my trust in you wasn’t mistaken
I felt a weight lift off my chest, felt the water drowning me clear
I rose towards the surface, to look at this new world without fear
For you see, I had panicked over how to tell you
Wondered whether it was needed, if I could emotionally see it through
I spent hours typing out the words I wanted to say
I had to make it perfect for I was nervous you would run away
You didn’t run though, you were a breath of fresh air
Grounding me in a new reality, one that’s full of kindness and care
You messaged back within minutes, you respected my worries
You thanked me for trusting you, oh my tears came in flurries
After we spoke, I didn’t overthink or sit in a stress induced fret
I walked into uni the following day feeling like my fears weren’t a threat
I laughed with you all day and felt so utterly free
Like the world you introduced me to, was mine to experience and see
But then came tutors that I didn’t know
I was trapped, I was cornered, they triggered me badly and so
I sunk inside myself, I tried desperately to hide
I thought nobody could see that my words had died
But like an angel, a fairy godmother or star
You noticed my brain had wandered too far
You stole me back from the inside of my head
You stopped my panic from taking me to the land of the dead
You knew somehow I wasn’t alright
You tried to pause my body's response to take flight
Yet I dissociated to a point where I couldn’t engage with you
But you kept on going, kept quietly showing me cute distractions too
You kept on going until my head knew I was safe and here
You showed me pictures of ducklings, you stayed near
You knew that I needed help when I couldn't even speak
How did you do that? You made my world less bleak
So now I trust you, really trust you on levels unknown
I hope my confidence in relationships will continue to grow
If I hadn’t give you the information that you did need
I wouldn’t have met someone who wants me to succeed
So I’m proud of the fact I reach out
That I fought through the triggers, panic and doubt
Because had I stayed silent all this time and done what my trauma cried
I wouldn’t have you, supporting me and standing by my side
Thank you for letting me come clean
For respecting me as a human, as an anxious bean
I’m grateful to have a tutor like you
And I know you will change more students lives in the future too