Autistically Me
Trauma Poems
Below are a collection of trauma themed poems. Click on the little navigation bar to be taken to the poem of that name. Enjoy!
Truth be told
Truth be told, I hate myself for what you did
Truth be told, I hate you for what you have done
Truth be told, I hate the silence that my brain forbid
Truth be told I hate that you took away the fun
Truth be told I hate your for the fear
Truth be told I hate you for our almost kid
Truth be told I hate you for making me think I wasn’t clear
Truth be told I hate that you to your own truth did bid
For I have never felt so scared as I do now
Scared to let anyone in, to trust again
Scared to let my guard down
Scared to let in the emotional pain
You stole a part of me that night
You forced me to wake up and see the hurtful truth
You realise when you made your choice, you set my dignity alight?
And in some crooked way, you stole what was left of my youth
You never face the repercussions of your action
You left that to me to fight alone
For truth be told, you never saw my pain filled reaction
You left me feeling numb to the bone
Truth be told, I hate you for what the words left unspoken
Truth be told, I hate you for everything you have done
Truth be told I hate that you left me broken
But truth be told you have not won!
My (Are They Real) Needs?
Do I need to know my future to survive?
Do I need to know if I am autistic to thrive?
Do I need to know I’ll be loved to try again?
Do I need to know my future as the what, where and when?
Do I need to be believed to be heard?
Do I need to be free as a bird?
Do I need to be something other than me?
Lost In The Darkness
I miss him
I miss the way he made me laugh
The way he gave freedom to my heart
I miss the way he made me feel safe
The way he just got me like no other.
I miss the way he would hold me close
The way he’d whisper soft things into my sleepy ears
I miss him so much it hurts
But he’s gone
I need him
I need him to keep my head from running away
To keep me grounded. Here
I need him to keep my anxious thoughts away
To keep saying things will be ok, even when they’re not
I need him to be here, to be ok with the pain I inflicted
To keep telling me he needs me too
I need him to keep me calm
But he’s gone
I want him
I want to feel his arms around me,
As he pulls me in
I want to hear him singing in the shower
As he belts out tunes he loves
I want to hear his laugh
As it echoes through the entire flat
I want him in my life
But he’s gone
I hate him
I hate that he’s too nice
That he’s run away with my heart
I hate that he won’t speak to me
That he’s run away with my hope
I hate that he’s perfect
That he’s run away with my love
I want to hate him
But I can’t
I love him
I love the way he made me feel so safe
That he didn’t care I was broken
I love the way his eyes lit up as he smiled
That he would always smile when I was there
I love the way he held me as I broke
That he never judged, just accepted
I love him
But he’s gone
I love him so much I wonder if I can hold my broken heart together
The heart he broke but that I gave him willingly
I love him so much my life seems incomplete without him it in
The life we used to share but that I destroyed
I love him so much I hate myself for it
For I’m the reason he’s gone
I’ve lost him forever
Hope In The Dark
When the dark crashes down
When pain captures your heart
When life seems too tough to bare
Just breathe
When friends leave
When people laugh
When everyone’s gone
I will be there
When hope seems impossible
When the world is cold and dark
When winters icy grip tightens
Just breathe
When nobody hears your call
When you feel invisible
When they hurt you back
I will be there
When nothing seems good enough
When the world turns against you
When all you want is peace
Just breathe
Just breathe
Just breathe
And I will be there
Paranoia
You’ve filled me with fear, from head to toe
It tricked in slowly, like the sleet before the snow
You made me feel less than you and for what?
Because I am neurodiverse? You need to grow up (a lot!)
Being different doesn’t make me weak
But anger and destruction you seem to seek
I don’t know what I did to cause you to hurt
But I will stand up to your tongue lashing, I know my worth
You’ve made me feel small and shy
It comes on suddenly, with tears in my eye
You made me feel worthless but why?
You are no different than I
You’ve taken enough, hurt me deep
And I swore I would not cry and weep
But despite my efforts, today I broke
All it took was a movement class for my fears to choke
Suddenly I was worried you were there
Scared you would come and pretend to care
That you would lead me on down a road of false hope
And then hang me by your deathly rope
You have filled me with doubt from head to toe
It comes in fast like the melting snow
You’ve made me want to lash out, for I set the seed
But you get to watch and enjoy as I bleed
So I suffer in silence, afraid tutors will hurt me
But these new ones sit on the floor and give me tea!
Yet I worry all the time they will turn on me like you
That they will start to think I am annoying too
Between you and Sara, tutors seem bad
And your influence on my thoughts makes me sad
I shouldn’t have to spent my life living in fear
I should trust people will stay when I am near
But because of you both my trauma runs strong
I sit and I worry that my hope in them will be wrong
So I’m taking a step forward, trying to move away
I just pray that my faith in myself, in these new people, will not be broken in the same way
Tired
I’m tired of you treating me like I am less than you.
Tired of you using my good nature too.
But most of all I am tired of feeling broken.
I trusted you. But you've treated me like a token.
You are just like Sara. Oh how fucking stupid was I to not see that?
How stupid do I have be to keep taking your slack?
DESPITE all the red flags, I continued to let you in.
Continued to try bending myself to your ever changing whim.
I chose to ignore my gut as it screamed to run.
I stuck around, till you fired the trauma filled gun
I hate that for 6 months you led me on.
I hate that you lured me into a false sense of security and fun
But most of all I hate that I've become a shell of myself again.
That I stopped fighting for my voice to be heard, stopped being strong and when
You told me all was well, I believed you
I've become fearful that people will continue to throw me away the second I stop being helpful.
I'm fuming that like Sara, you too have made me doubtful
Of the people i have in my life
Because like you they might cause me emotional strife
Most of all I hate that I genuinely loved working with you.
I hate that I felt so included, so hopeful and supported too.
I hate that I thought I had a team of people who were gonna stick around.
I fucking hate that I saw a future with people in it for the first time and felt proud.
But above all else, I fucking despise the fact I saw a future with you
And I hate that I believed that could have come true.
Looking back I know I would never have won
That you would continue to take from me until my usefulness to you was done
But despite all you've tried to do
I know I will fucking survive the shit you put me through
Inferior
Try to make me feel inferior
That might have worked in college but not anymore, I know I am strong, I am brave, I am powerful.
So go on test me, see how far I can bend, wait for me to snap
But my faith in me, my job and my passion for arts in health won’t be taken by your crap
I trusted you, I listened when you said to open up, I let you in
And now you lash out and try to get under my skin?
Try to make me feel inferior
That might have worked in college but not anymore, I know I am strong, I am brave, I am beautiful.
The pain you caused with your words will be forgotten not
I cannot shut the mistrust out, my anxiety has now been taught
I cried for hours last night, awake I did lie
Feeling so small, I was taken back to the times I wanted to die
Try to make me feel inferior
That might have worked in college but not anymore, I know I am strong, I am brave, I am successful.
So go on test me, push me near the edge, see if I scream
I’ll never trust you again when you say we are a team
I trusted you, I told you secrets I’d told nobody else, I believed you
But it looks like the time I had with you is finally through
Try to make me feel small
That won’t work anymore. I won’t let you make me fall
For I am STRONG, I am BRAVE and I am BEAUTIFUL.
I won’t run from the things I love because of you
I won’t let my participants see what’s true
I will stand the test of time, guarded and safe from your fear
I can listen to your words but I will not hear
Try to make me feel small
That won’t work anymore. I won’t let you make me fall
For I am STRONG, I am BRAVE and I am POWERFUL.
This is your loss not mine, I will bounce back just fine.
Not yours anymore
I’m not yours anymore
But oh, what did I do to you this time?
Do you like it when I sob and cry?
You try to rule over what is rightfully mine
So I will respectfully say goodbye
What, no who, told you you deserve power?
When did your ego become almighty?
You’re a storm nobody can withstand, no lighthouse, no castle, no tower
And despite what you think, you’re not my aphrodite
You never were.
You never will be
I’m not yours anymore.
Hurt me (again)
Hurt me more.
Push me away. I will stay.
I'm strong. I won't be scared of you.
I won't run anymore.
So go on, hurt me more.
Test me, push me to the limits, make me cry
I won't say goodbye.
It won't be me that fails this time.
Hurt me more.
Criticise me like a mother.
I won't let you in my head
I won't back away
I'm powerful
So go on hurt me more.
Lash out, make me feel inferior
Be like those at college
I won't fall
It won't be me that's ruined us this time.
Hurt me more.
Test my strength to the core.
I will still love my job.
I will still love me.
So go on I dare you to try and hurt me more.
For that's simply not possible when I'm hurting to my core.
When I saw you
When I saw you today, it felt like nothing had changed, but everything had
I felt like our issues, the trauma you caused had vanished, but it lurked
I hoped you would stay away from me, did I disguise my pain well?
When I saw you today, I wanted to fall to my knees, weep and hide
I felt like time had turned back, sped forward and vanished all at once
I stressed over seeing you, did I disguise my tears well?
When I saw you today, my heart broke in two, reminded of all the times we failed us
I felt like everything hurt, like my breath was stolen, washed away
I worried I would run into you, did I disguise my hurt well?
When I saw you today, I wanted to scream, tell you how you've hurt me
I felt trapped, muzzled by our history, unable to break free
I wondered if Id wounded you, did I disguise my fear well?
When I saw you today, I wanted to do so many things, to say things left unsaid
I felt I owed you something, but I dont know in what way
I hoped I would be fine seeing you, did I disguise my joy well?
When I saw you today, I wanted to hug you, tell you I'd missed you
I felt so many things seeing your face, but I didn't falter for long
You finally watched as I flew away, a practitioner in my own right.
Did I disguise my pride? No? Oh, well, its your turn to fix us now
Shell of Yourself
When you rounded that corner, I saw a shell of the woman I used to know
You looked sad, broken, shy and so desperately alone
I wondered what had happened, where did your confidence go?
I so wanted to help your self belief to once again grow
When you spoke, you seemed unsure, scared of our reaction
No longer did you laugh freely, talk loudly and look stable
Instead you stumbled on your words, unable to gain verbal traction
You folded in on yourself, retreated inside your mind, stayed emotionally unavailable
When we met again, you spoke about your life, implied all was fine
Yet you asked only questions with answers you knew
Hows the Master going Beth? Are you finding it sublime?
Have you met this person and that? Was your workshop successful for you?
Then throughout the day, pained looks you threw my way
When she chose to sit beside me and not you, you reacted like your heart shattered
You followed me around like you were the shadow to my sunny day
But not once did you ask whether your prior words caused my feelings to be battered
When we parted ways, your eyes seemed dull, void of life
You barely spoke to me, I wasn't sure how to feel about that
Afterall, the words you threw my way in the months prior caused me strife
Yet in those final few moments, in your grief I sat
I felt all the emotions bubble up from where they'd hidden
Saw the pain, the joy, the fears and the unachieved fame
I wanted to help you, if you'd been nice your requests I know I'd have bidden
Yet you threw me away, and so a shell of your supportive, wonderous self, you thus became
Survive
Dehumanise me. Go on, I'm used to it.
Tell me I'm broken, faulty or damaged
I've lived through worse before
But it's hard to convince myself I'm worth more
Demonise me. Go on, I've heard it all
Tell me its my fault, gaslight me till I falter
I've survived worse in my past
But it's hard not to worry your trauma will forever last
Burn me. Go on, I dare you to try
Tell me I deserve it, that I'm worthless, I'll be alright
I've already lived through this pain
But it's hard to know when I'll be ok again
Haunted
Your haunted eyes track me across the room
Bathing me in your anxieties, dread and gloom
I want to run but I am frozen in fear
I hear them speaking but its only your words I hear
Your hate filled, hazy arms lock with mine
Filling me with poison from your dripping vine
I want to scream for someone to save me
But its too late, no one walks free
Trusting Her not You
When I told her, nothing hurt
I didn't get told off or burnt
She reacted with care
She made me feel safe
I was surprised
When I told you, everything broke
I was silenced and choked
You made me feel scared
You told me I failed
I was surprised
She reacted with hope
She made me feel human
She told me I was enough
She wrapped me in warmth
I was hopeful for the future
You reacted with anger
You made me feel wrong
You told me I was worthless
You wrapped me in scorn
I wasn't hopeful anymore
When I told her you'd hurt me
She whisked me away
She sheltered me from your storm
She kept me grounded
I feel so grateful
Because unlike you, she's kind
Unlike you, there's no ulterior motive
Unlike you, she accepts imperfections
Unlike you, she supports me wholly
I no longer feel miserable
You never did
With her I feel safe, like she'll catch me if I fall
With you, I felt scared, you watched as I fell apart
With her I feel enough, like I dont need to change
With you I felt broken, shattered into pieces by your words
With her I feel free, she had opened your cage around my heart
With you I felt unsure, you never liked my desire for clarity
With her, I feel pure, like I am put back together by her care
With you I felt fear, you lashed out and treated me poorly
With her I feel love, like a platonic glow had settled into my heart
With you I felt wrong, like a broken patchwork doll tossed aside
With her I feel valid, I know I am enough
With her I feel heard, I know she's helping me trust again
With her I feel secure, I know she will not hurt me
With her I feel all the things I should have felt with you
But I never did