Date: 4th Sept 2022
Hello beautiful people! It's been a year (almost two) since I last posted anything on here and I am still very much alive and doing ok. I'm not quite sure where to start with this new "hello world" post, other than I hope everyone is ok :)
SO much has happened in the past 2 years, it's almost crazy to look back at the posts I made in 2020, I've changed and grown so much since all that drama kicked off. Life is still far from perfect but a damn site better than suicide attempts, anxiety attacks, self harm and isolation! I should say that I have graduated from RCSSD with a first class degree (and yes I cried). I worked my arse off for that mark and often suffered a lot to get the highest grades, with constant overworking, overachieving and overthinking being common place within my BA degree. It's so weird looking back at who I was when I started uni, I seem so far away from who I am now, it's almost like I was a different person. I no longer seem to strive to be seen, to be understood and heard because I realised the people who I tried to get to see me, were never truly interested in the first place and it just led to trauma and heartbreak. And I am content with who I am now, I know my worth and I am proud of the fact I am different. It's been a LOT of work to get to this place and I've learnt some pretty fucking hard lessons along the way, some of which I will share with you here, others I will hold tight to my chest as they are too painful to tell anyone other than my therapist and my closest of friends. So top 10 lessons?
So lesson one: I AM AUTISTIC! My life makes sense now doesn't it? The constant misunderstandings between me and tutors (there is more to that than just Autism) and the "feeling like an alien and outsider all my life" suddenly makes sense too. And honestly, realising my world view wasn't spectacularly fucked up has made things a lot easier to understand and view in a kind, supportive way. I realised my anxiety has a place and was there for a reason and often got mistaken for burn out, over stimulation or just general stress. It's for sure not gone, but I know how to handle myself and my noise limits a damn site better than before I got diagnosed.
Lesson two: I'm easily manipulated (or was). Linked to the neurodiversity I used to be so desperate to be with people that I got swept up in being with them and it wasn't until I started to feel something was off with most relationships in my life (and delved into that with therapy) that I realised people used to manipulate my insecure self and take huge advantage of my work ethic, kind heart and want to help people and use me until I couldn't help them anymore. And this is tutors and students alike at both uni and college. In fact I realised someone close to me now illegally overworked me for an extended period of time for their advantage and fuck that hurt! As this person was someone I genuinely thought I could trust, someone who I thought understood me and liked me as a person. So now things have shifted again, but that is life. I am much better at saying no, standing my ground and listening to my gut when something feels wrong now!
Lesson three: I love writing songs, poems and keeping a journal. It not only clears my head and helps with both my anxiety and insomnia (currently past midnight when I am writing this and have been up since 9am this morning haha!) but writing and expressing myself also helps me to process trauma in a safe way.
Lesson four: Therapy is incredibly useful. Need I say anymore?
Lesson five: Loving myself and loving being alone, does not make me selfish or weird. In fact it makes me happy and that's fine. As someone who has had sexual trauma (nothing too serious) and who once felt scared to be alone, I have realised I do not need someone else to love me to make me whole. I am enough and I may never want to be in a relationship, may never feel love or attracted to someone and that's fine. It doesn't make me faulty or broken, it just makes me human and who I am and I genuinely wouldn't change any part of myself for the world now.
Lesson six: I hate London and that's also ok. It served a role in my life (and will for the next year while I undertake a MASC with UCL) but I am not a city person. I love Wales, I love the countryside and peace and quiet and I love that I recognise that now.
Lesson seven: There's honest and then there's me. I am a level of honest that sometimes hurts. Ask me how I am, I will tell you if my day sucks and I've been up half the night blinded by panic and overwhelming thoughts. I hide nothing from the people I genuinely trust. And I like this new blunt me, it's much more me than trying to please everyone.
Lesson eight: People will not always hurt me. Yes some will but I no longer live in painful fear of people running anymore. It lingers sure and may never truly go away but I have accepted that people will come and go. Family included (and for certain family members, good fucking riddance if you ask me!!!). I have a beautiful group of 3 friends, all of which I am close to and have wonderful, open, supportive relationships with and I love them all in varying ways. I've lost people recently (or at least had drastic shifts in our relationships that were once stable and now are rocky as can be) and while it hurts, give me a couple of weeks to process things, talk it through with my therapist and I can make things make sense in my head and start to let things go. I never EVER used to be able to do that!
Lesson nine: I do not want to be an actor. I realised I hate being on stage, I hate acting and pretending to be someone else. It's stressful. I know this is linked to my neurodiversity and the fact I spent 20 years pretending to be someone who I wasn't and it's only in the last year and 7 months that I have started to just be me (at least more often).
And final lesson: Uni trashed my mental health and didn't help my sense of self, security within myself or love for myself. My uni wasn't supportive of my dreams and a lot of tutors did what those at college did and watched as I burnt, broke down and cried. Some didn't and I hope if they ever find this, they will know who they are. But the education system is fucked up and broken and needs an overhaul. And if Central aren't quick, they are not only going to lose good staff (more than they already are) but lose more reputation and students because they are unable to organise themselves, communicate or listen and learn from their students.
That's all for now! If you want to leave a comment to tell me any lessons you have learned in the last 2 years, I'd genuinely love to hear from you!
Stay strong and have a little faith my friends. All diamonds are formed under pressure (my new fav saying thanks to Carrie Hope Fletcher for that one!) and you can get through these times and shine again!
All my love
B x
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