Where do we go from here?

5th Jan 2025

Hi everyone, gosh so sorry it's taken so long for me to reemerge back onto this site. Life got incredibly stressful and upsetting between July 2024 and now and I've frankly not had the brain capacity or energy to think about writing on here - if we're being really honest, I forgot this site was even a thing until about a month ago. I'm going to do what I do best and offload on here, because at this point, I am so over hiding shit and attempting to pretend like how I was treated the last year was ok.

Before I go any further, happy new year! I fucking hope 2025 behaves itself for us all!

So what exactly happened last year? Why did I vanish offline and basically not update since July?

Well my loves, that is a long old story, so buckle up and let me treat you to the unfair insanity my life became.

Back in December of 2023 I got offered what I thought was a dream job. Something called a Knowledge Transfer Partnership (KTP) Associate position in Huddersfield (Yorkshire). In short, a research partnership between a university and a corporation/charity to create something. If you want to know more about what a KTP is, google and then come back to this. Not that you'll need more than the basic info on what a KTP is for this next bit to make sense, but I never know whether people are knowledge nerds like myself or not ;)

I obviously accepted the post and moved up to Huds in Jan 2024. I was so excited for the next 2 years as I was going to be working with Fresh Futures (previously Yorkshires Children Centre) and The University of Huddersfield to co-create some lived experience informed resources for children who experienced parental conflict. This project genuinely had the chance to be life changing for not only myself but for the charity as well. I started my post in Feb, turned 23 and well, my updates on here tell bits of what went on. In case you don't want to go back and read those, here's a summary.

My managers Catherine (or as she was previously called Karen) and the academic who I will be nice to and still call by her alias (Chloe) were mostly ok until July. Catherine and I had issues since March and it escalated to a point where she was being ableist and discriminating against me and the fact I am autistic. She bullied me in front of colleagues, mocked my failings (in both private and public settings) and often refused to follow support that had been formally implemented by the uni through reasonable adjustments. I stomached this treatment for several months, seeking support elsewhere and making do as best I could for the sake of the project. But after several months and with support from other managers in the charity and my friends, I reported Catherines bullying, discrimination and general inappropriate behaviour to the CEO of the charity Mark (AKA Matthew) in the hopes that additional support could be put in place.

This happened in roughly April time and when I say nothing changed, I mean it. Catherine continued unchecked and we went from not really working well together, to her literally pretending I didn't exist for about 6 weeks, resulting in countless panic attacks, breakdowns and stress induced health conditions on my part. I informed Chloe what had been going on and to my surprise, she backed Catherine and pinned the blame on the relationship falling apart on the fact I reported Catherine to Mark. While I understand where she was coming from, it wasn't like I hadn't tried to fix things for several months before I realised what was going on and that I couldn't fix this alone. And it also wasn't like I was the only one with very similar issues regarding Catherines behaviour. All the other managers (bar 1, who is her friend), all had very similar stories to tell about being bullied, mocked, mistreated and unsupported by her. Mine had the additional elements of the things she mocked being directly linked to being autistic (like needing to check I wasn't taking what she was saying literally and struggling with sudden, uninformed changes).

Ok summary over.

Things got steadily worse until Chloe FINALLY, stepped in and offered to supervise meetings between Catherine and myself. This was after about a month or two of me struggling along alone. Having had meetings with Catherine and Mark, where Catherine (to no surprise) blamed me, gaslit me in front of Mark and then went straight back to ignoring me I was't feeling hugely happy with meeting with her alone (if she even answered meeting requests at all). During this time, I'd attended KTP specific training in May and realised Catherines behaviour was not only impacting me, but stood a very real chance of creating a situation where the project was at stake. So I returned to work in June after graduating my masters and completing KTP training, and set about trying to make amends. I went back to the uni, trying to get more formal adjustments implemented around some kind of "code of conduct" and permission for all meetings to be recorded. This went on alongside Chloes support (which didn't really do all that much, other than force Catherine and I to be in the same room as each other).

The charity denied every single suggestion I put forward for how to fix the ongoing situation and pinned the stress of fixing the lack of a working relationship on me and me alone. I finally caved and approached my KTP supervisor in June (basically the buck stops with them and they oversee the project from a distance and are linked to the funding). Andy (angel of a human and someone I will forever be thankful for) set up meetings with myself to better understand what had been going on and with support from (now FF managers, my friends, KTP associates and AutisticUK peer support workers, as well as Andy) we set about trying to formulate a plan to stop the project failing. Options included changing managers at the charity to someone else (which I readily agreed with) and onboarding yet more additional support from the uni, as well as more formal rules for Catherine and I to follow.

Time ticked on, until some time in early July. Chloe, Catherine and myself had a probationary meeting check in (or some formal check in), where Catherine finally slipped up and mocked me in front of Chloe. I went mute due to stress and was so shocked she would mock me for "talking too much" in a meeting where she quite literally wanted me to talk, that I left that room and had one of the worst panic attacks I'd had in a long time. My friends found me and immediately knew something was up as I was unusually quiet. I confided in them both about what Catherine had said and after some time to think, decided I needed to tell Catherine (and Chloe) via email how she'd made me feel when she said what she had. And here's where shit really hit the fan. I 100% stand by what I said in my email, though readily admit I phrased the last bit badly for those who are not autistic to read.

I ended the email by stating that "Catherine had made me feel unsafe and until we can rebuild trust again, I do not wish to have meetings alone with her". The unsafe bit I suspect caused a lot of panic, but when I showed this to my autistic friends, they immediately got what I meant, which was that Catherine had created an environment where it was no longer safe for me to unmask, which posed a very real threat to my energy levels and mental health. I'm going to do a more in depth post into masking and my ongoing journey with it, but masking for neurodivergent people is basically pretending to be like an average person and hiding (in my case) my autistic traits. It's exhausting and can very quickly cause burnout if people are unsupported enough at work that masking becomes a daily thing. Looking back, I appreciate that I fucked this up and should have reworded my email to be clearer. But until this point, Chloe and myself had an open communication style. She'd check in with me if she wasn't clear with what I mean and vice versa. But this was the one time she failed to do this.

Instead she sent a weirdly formal email, requesting me to not work on the Saturday as planned and instead come in to meet her on the Monday. I was understandably confused as fuck as this was one of about 6 Saturday sessions that were pre-planned and important to the project progressing. I asked for clarification about what the meeting was about 3 times in total, and each time Chloe refused, importantly ignoring my formal reasonable adjustments and causing me to spiral into a panic like no other panic. I frantically reached out to my peer support group to see if anyone knew what this meant and could help and the utter sweethearts at AUK offered to attend this meeting with me on the following Monday, after an extended online meeting between three of us to better understand what had been going on between Catherine and I. Gemma and Wendy were beyond kind and went far above what I ever expected and by the end of Sunday, a plan was in place. Due to the fact the meeting request Chloe had sent was so formal and I had no idea what was going on, Gemma attended the meeting with me to ensure proper support was in place.

Only, Chloe point blank refused to let Gemma in the room. Something which I now believe she had no right to do due to disability laws allowing support for autistic individuals in formal meetings (which this one was). Chloe informed me that she was stripping me of a conference we had planned to attend literally the following day and that my probationary period was being extended. I asked why, she refused to answer. I kept asking why and seeking answers and she kept refusing to answer, so I gave up, left the meeting when it ended, took sick leave for the next two days and during that time, reached out to the UCU (a workers union for university staff and PhD students) for support. I also started applying for new roles. By the time I re-emerged at work, I had a UCU rep in place, legal support lined up and got everything lined up for formal support for the following week where the first of several formal meetings were to take place. My UCU rep was a star and I honestly cannot thank her enough for everything she did for me during the meeting and afterwards. She was fantastic and made me feel so much more confident as she stepped in and pushed back when unfair treatment and accusations got thrown my way (and boy did they get thrown my way).

The first formal meeting resulted in me finding out my probationary period was extended due to concerns I was not able to do the work. When pushed, Chloe stated it was the lack of relationship between Catherine and myself that was the issue. And when the UCU rep pointed out the ongoing concerns I'd raised (and kept raising) about the bullying, discrimination and lack of support I'd been facing (for at this point, 6 months) from Catherine and the charity (all of which Chloe knew about), Chloe had no answer and more importantly, no feedback or suggestions for support to be implemented. Again, when pushed, there were no concerns regarding the projects progress, no concerns regarding my ability to manage anything, no concerns regarding anything other than Catherines treatment of me and the fact I simply hadn't stayed silent. This raised a lot of concerns from the UCU rep (and myself), who post meeting, sat down and unpacked everything with me over a coffee. We agreed that clarification was needed over several of the points that had been raised (despite the fact we'd been seeking this since the meeting had started) and that it was still unclear what had caused Chloe to have such a significant concern that she did not first try to implement informal support or simply address this with me. Having noted everything down, I left the meeting and went straight back to plotting how to "prove" that I had done everything right. I took screenshots of emails, messages, timelines, meeting dates (or lack thereof), meeting notes and so on and compiled them all ready to face the final meeting just after I returned from a holiday in France in August.

Just before I left for holiday, I got introduced to another academic at the university who ran (and I think still runs) a neurodivergent staff support network. Fourth incredible academic (including Jack, Luna, the UCU rep and now Luke). We immediately hit it off and are still good friends to this day (with spotify playlists, whatsapp chats and everything else in between). He offered so much support and was incredible and again, I cannot thank him enough for everything he did for me. Anyway, I returned from France, prepped for this final formal meeting with proof for literally everything that one could possibly want proof of and...

Instead of a meeting to discuss my role, I instead got made redundant. In my opinion, this was the only way the charity thought they could get rid of me and the problems I'd created by speaking out about Catherine (which resulted in all bar 2 managers also reporting her to the CEO as well as myself) without getting into legal issues. But that's just my hypothesis. When I say I was so fucking furious I saw red, I genuinely mean it. I was so utterly fucked off I wanted to scream at Catherine. Instead, I collected my things, notified my friends of what had happened, phone my parents, cried and accepted Chloes offer of taking a few days off work to process before returning. I never did return back to the office, other than to collect my things that would allow me to finish my remaining month at the charity. Everyone there who knew me, I think could see how utterly broken I was and at that moment in time, I really felt it. I had a truly awful remaining 2 months at Huds, being told again and again by the uni that I was unfit for roles I applied for and had nothing to offer. Chloe vanished and I never saw her again after she'd informed me of my role being closed. I haven't really spoken to her since to be honest and I'm very much conflicted over how things ended.

I sat by myself in a cold flat for 2 months looking for new roles, until I finally caved and moved back to my parents house in October. To begin with, I felt so angry and like such a failure. Specially when I found out via another manager from the charity that Catherine had informed everyone else of my redundancy without informing myself she'd made that choice for me. Catherine had also sat in a meeting with Chloe and myself THE DAY BEFORE my redundancy was announced planning meetings for the following month that were NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. While looking me in the eye and making plans for the future, she knew that the following day, my role would be phased out. If that doesn't tell you what an awful, cold hearted bitch she really is, then I don't know what else to say.

And to those who may read this and go "but Beth, why are you putting this on the internet? Surely you don't want future employers to know about all of this?" my reply would be something like I have nothing to hide because I did nothing wrong. Ask anyone other than Catherine how my KTP role went and they will tell you that I was professional, keen, enthusiastic, organised and truly invested myself into the 8 months the project lasted. I made meaningful changes and with any other manager and any other company, I know that project would have been a completely different story. I am not ashamed of the fact I was placed in an unfair situation where discrimination won and someone tried to mock me for things I cannot (and will not want to) change. I never hid anything from anyone, I addressed issues as best I could and worked my ass off to prove I could do things when people said I couldn't. I went through all the right steps and I'm incredibly proud of how I handled everything. I also know that while yes, my email was a mistake, in no way and in no world according to the UCU reps I spoke to, the legal people I spoke to and other academics I have spoken to since this all happened, in no way ever was the reason I was given for my probationary period being extended significant enough. Something happened I was no informed of and if I was not informed of it, then that just makes me question what was going on behind the scenes that I was no aware of. The university sadly failed me by refusing to step in when the first formal report was raised against Catherine. They had a duty of care towards me as a disabled employee (or employee in general) and failed to follow vital steps for the probationary period meetings, notification of issues and accessing correct support in a timely manner. Basically long story short, my probationary period should never have been extended in the first place as there was not a significant enough issue with the project and my ability to do my job that could not have been fixed had my initial report months prior actually been acted upon. I was left to fend for myself and unfairly punished for it. And that's not just my opinion, this is shared with the UCU reps who had access to every single email I send, meeting notes and more and were importantly, unbiased and I know would have told me I'd fucked up when I asked them if I had.

So yeah. Shit happened, I'm still pissed at Catherine and people like her do not deserve to be hidden behind fake names. She can join Nicola and Sara on my list of "abusive dickheads" and if she doesn't like it, tough. Since leaving Huds, I've got part time work at a bakery and have applied for a PhD(!!). I've shifted my initial reaction of "I failed" to "this happened for a reason and was a safe way out of a project that likely would have failed, without me having to explain why I either was fired or left my role early". I'm still processing and don't know long term what this first real experience of working in academia being so negative and sad, will do to my view and reaction to any future roles but I will cross that bridge when I come to it I guess.

That's all for now. To those who have helped me this last year, thank you, you know who you are and I'm so thankful for your friendships and ongoing support. xx