Date 14th Feb 2024
So that student conference at my uni resulted in a fairly major confidence crisis for me that now has me seriously questioning WHEN (not IF, WHEN) I will fuck up this research project I have somehow been deemed qualified enough to lead and manage for the next 2 years. I didn't present anything, all I did was sit and listen to students talk about their (frankly) incredibly well thought out and ground breaking research that was done with children and young people. They're in a much better place research wise than I was when I was graduating my BA about 2 years ago and I find that genuinely amazing. The world is going to be a better place with these 3rd year students in it.
But as awesome and funny as the students were, interacting with them wasn't what caused the majority of my confidence to crash and burn. Which was really surprising for me. Sure there was a bit of me that was sat there listening to their work going "holy fuck, what on earth am I going to bring to the table that they don't already either have or know?" but I know there's bound to be something, even if that's a new look at creative research methods or general chaos. I will have SOMETHING to offer them. I helped one get through their presentation today by merely sitting, making eye contact and smiling. They focused on me for their entire thing and they aced it. So ironically, I kind of stopped worrying that I wouldn't be able to be a good tutor because I wasn't even doing much and helped this nervous student to ace their presentation today.
It was interacting with the staff that set me into a tailspin that I am yet to pull out of. When it's just Chloe and myself talking, it's really easy to forget there's a whole host of other academics at this university. And because I'm mostly not based at the uni and am instead primarily at a child/young person focussed charity, I tend to forget that I know near enough nothing about researching WITH children. Because my charity (lets call them Sunshine Coast) is formed of people from all sorts of backgrounds, with all different kinds of knowledge and roles. Some don't even directly work with kids and young people. And there's a lot of new people there as well, so it kind of feels like we're all learning together. And (I'm not 100% sure) but I may well be one of the highest educated members of staff there. I for sure am educated to a higher level than Karen and she's my line manager. And while yes, my education is not directly in working with children and young people, it's in an area that within Sunshine Coast, feels compatible and like it's going to somehow work itself out. I feel really supported there and like I am not alone. The office is always busy, everyone knows who I am. Everyone talks to each other. I feel like an equal. I feel like I fit in and have something to offer not only the charity but to conversations that go on about working with children and young people.
The uni was the polar opposite today. I felt SO out of my element with the other staff. Not only was I the youngest member of staff by a solid 15 years, I was also the only one in the room that didn't have an education in working with children and young people AND a PhD in said area. They were throwing about acronyms, grading criteria language, other modules I had no idea about, chatting about other members of staff I had never met and about their work or their students work. They were a team and I was the outsider. People assumed I had a PhD and broached any conversation from that perspective. They assumed I was a new lecturer (which I am not). And seemed to come from a place of 'anyone who is in the staff room not only understands how university systems works but has kids themselves and knows a shit tonne about researching with kids and young people'. And other than the keynote speaker, everyone else in the staff briefing I attended, knew each other already and knew the students really well. I was already incredibly nervous (to a point I was in tears) before I arrived to the uni and forgot a whole bunch of stuff I needed. And walking into this room and feeling like I did not belong and should not have been there felt like a kick to my stomach.
I sat there over lunch feeling so anxious. I was shaking and on the verge of tears for some of the day. I wanted to run and hide. To back out of this project and go "sorry, you guys have chosen the wrong person to do this. I'm not academically qualified enough for this shit". I've spent the last 6 hours since this conference ended feeling utterly mortified, under qualified and like I'm going to let not only myself down, but also Karen, Chloe, Sunshine Coast, the university and most importantly, my future research participants and partners. I didn't think the staff would ever be my point of "holy fuck what am I doing with my life?", I thought being a MEMBER of staff and interacting with students would send me into a meltdown but nope. My lack of a PhD and age in a room full of DRs and Professors who have likely been working in this area for longer than I have been in education, was the thing that destroyed me faster than I could ever predict.
And because I am living alone, have no friends up here and hate the idea of burdening my existing London based friends with my insecurities that are rearing their ugly heads again, I'm seeking comfort in the only place I can at the moment. Here. And hoping by documenting and info dumping the crap in my head out onto digital paper, I will be able to make it through tomorrow without bawling my eyes out.
I'm not holding out much hope.
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