Unanswered questions

Date: 29th March, 2025.

Ok, so you're gonna need to bear with me a touch on this. But I'm currently on a slight neurodivergent hyper focus on Apple TV+'s tv show Severance. More specifically, the fact that Britt Lower (Helly R for those who have watched it), has made me genuinely question my sexuality in a way NOBODY else has ever EVER made me question things.

For the longest time, I thought I was Aromantic, Asexual. But in the last month, I've been pondering whether this is actually the case and what I hypothetically would be comfortable doing with my body and life. How does Britt Lower come into this hypothetical pondering? To be blunt, she's the first person I have ever seen who I have genuinely found fucking sexy as can be. To a point where my brain went "hypothetically, if the option arose, would you kiss her?" and didn't immediately go "no mate, fuck off"... and that sent me into a wild tailspin. Because I've never ever in my life ever wanted to kiss someone. I don't like the idea of hugging people, or being overly comfortable and snuggly with people. Physical intimacy is something that tends to make me unsettled, so I avoided it. I have a big personal space bubble and the few times I've kissed (or slept) with people, it's been a source of massive trauma for me. And made me feel wildly uncomfortable and sad. But for some reason, Britt Lower has shaken that up and made me go "yeah, I'd kiss her, heck, I'd probably date her if our personalities got on". And I don't know what to do with that...

This whole thing has resulted in me having literally no idea what my boundaries are with romance any more. I'm still pretty certain I am Asexual but am aware that's a spectrum that I flutter between the "fuck off no way do I even want to think about having sex" to "eh, maybe but probably not". It's made me wonder whether I'm Aro/Ace because of trauma, or because I'm autistic and bad at reading how I feel about anyone 99% of the time or because of a combo of both...? Maybe it's just Britt Lower being the coolest, sexy red head and I'd feel like this about nobody else and need to not panic unduly that my world is about to fall apart... I don't know but can anybody guess what's going to be my topic for therapy this week coming...?