Date: 20th Jan 2024.
Well this is officially a very late “welcome to 2024” type thing. But here we are. 2024, a year that is going to be brimming with possibilities and a lot of unknowns. But bring it on! Who knows what will be learned but I know one thing for sure, it’s going to be a fun challenge adapting to life as a 22 (nearly 23) year old member of university staff. I’m not going to name my place of work here but those who know, know and I’m forever thankful to the awesomeness that is the Luna and Jack combo for not only being so willing to support me in this venture but also for their genuinely wonderful and honest insights into what I may be able to expect as a member of academic research staff.
But despite the excitement, I actually wanted to touch on something around academia and being a researcher/tutor. I think it’s important to my overall life story/current headspace because when I realised I loved to research, I initially didn’t want to pursue it. I was terrified the only way to be in academia as a researcher, was to be a Nicola/Sara of this world. Someone who was harsh, cruel with their words and power, who didn’t know when to admit they didn’t know something and who lived in fear of students outshining/replacing them. I’m not specifically talking about my relationship with either of these two, I wouldn’t want to replace them (or frankly be within shooting distance of either of them) and at the times I knew them, wasn’t anywhere near good enough in my academic skills to replace them either.
But I witnessed Nicola in particular shooting down several of my friends over nothing (and then myself over a bloomin book review she asked for which she clearly then didn’t agree with. Still not over that Nicola). Looking back on her actions through more healthy and less traumatised eyes, I think her action/reactions to things were coming from a place of either genuine fear of being replaced/becoming irrelevant or more likely, a solid foundation of imposter syndrome and a massive lack of self confidence combining to create an interesting, overly protective and harsh to everyone, mix of a human that Nicola was (and I have no doubt, still very much is).
While Sara wasn’t really a researcher and if we’re being brutally honest (which I do with great ease at this point in time), wasn’t even that great of a tutor, she was my first memorable example of a tutor who let the power get to her head and revelled in the misery she could cause with it. She too was unable to apologise or admit she didn’t know something and always had to be right.
I left college unsure what to do and feeling ashamed of my love of researching. I then left my BA knowing I’d fallen in love with research but knowing with my experience of tutors, that it wasn’t an area I could go into, for if I may have to treat people the way those tutors treated me, it would have killed me and it wasn’t something I was prepared to do, despite my love for the area.
But, just when the world was bleak and dark and I was scared of my own dang shadow, guess who came along and entered my life? Jack and Luna. The perfect combo of insanity, care, compassion, honesty and general academic awesomeness combined into a duo of humans who would go on to change my life in ways I could not imagine when I first met them. I’m still not convinced either of them actually truly grasp the rediculous amount of ways they helped me. They gave me so many lessons in how to be a good member of academic staff, without even trying. And these lessons got me to a point, where yes, I am very nervous about working as academic staff, specially given my young age, but know that I can do it in a way that will never hurt students nor hide who I am at my core. And that, my fellow reader, was the one fear of having to never do the “be nice to students and treat them like equals and be true to yourself” thing that was stopping me from following my heart and dreams of being academic research staff at a uni.
So, why is this important to mention? Why have I reverted back to talking about Jack and Luna when I should be celebrating the fact I did this whole ‘break into academic research’ thing myself? That my own lived experience from across my entire life and my passion for research, got me this job. Much as I love Jack and Luna, they didn’t do the interview (though were fully prepared to be references bless them both!). I did the interview, I got the job and I’m now sat in my own (currently wifiless) flat awaiting my first day of work next month.
So yeah, why mention Jack and Luna? Well it’s not that I’m not celebrating this break through but I’m the kind of person who wants to acknowledge the people who helped me to realised I could do this job safely, respectfully and without my biggest fear of turning into Nicola/Sara coming true.
You see, during my time on the MASc, Jack and Lunas little actions of staying true to themselves, being kind, compassionate, caring but respecting boundaries (both theirs and my own), has set me up for success this time around. They’ve shown me ways to point students to someone more able to help than myself. They’ve shown me how to have fun as a tutor. And how to care about your students but in a wonderfully, human, perfect blend of professional and also personal level. They’ve shown me how to admit you don’t know something. They’ve shown me how to look after yourself when things get overwhelming. And that above all else, academia allows people to have a personality, to be funny, charismatic, chaotic, utterly mad and wear the coolest of clothes that are comfortable, practical and express each persons own individuality.
They taught me how to ask for help and when I could manage on my own. They’ve taught me it’s ok to enjoy and love what I do and that playing to my strengths, doesn’t make me weird or selfish, it makes me… well me. They helped me figure out how to tell people I’m Autistic and Anxious and also when to mention my trauma, what information is useful for people to know and what they can live without. They taught me it’s ok to breakdown, to cry, to feel things deeply and get stressed but it’s how you deal with those emotions that count. They taught me honesty with students is a good thing but there are degrees of it. They also taught me that not everyone will like you and that is ok, some students will prefer talking to someone else and they showed me how to handle that. Ditto how to handle difficult things coming up around trauma and ptsd.
And they did this without ever directly sitting down and talking to me about how and why they did what they did. It was like watching a perfectly rehearsed dance between the two of them and how they supported us (and each other). They were both instinctively knowing when the other needed help and when they could step back. Watching them cherish and utterly support each other and celebrate the others successes was genuinely touching and beautiful. They showed me what a stable, long lasting friendship looks like and that working at a university level, does not have to change that friendship. And this gives me hope, that, if I am lucky enough, should I form friendships with people at my new job, whether that be other tutors or PHD students, these can last the test of academic stress. And this hope extends to the kind of relationships I would want to have with any students who I work with. I would not want to become a Nicola, working under the guise that we are all equal and there’s no power dynamics at play. Instead, I would want to be like the Lunas and Jacks of this world. Tutors who know there are undoubtedly power dynamics at play between students and tutors and navigate this in a way that makes it actually feel like students are their equals (namely because they treated us as such). I want to be the kind of person who makes her students feel safe, warm, supported and respected under her watch and the little hints, tips and lessons Jack and Luna showed/taught me by simply being who they are at their core, will help me navigate the complexities I have no doubt will arise when my new position starts.
And that is why they are important to mention. Because without their lessons and support over the last year, I would not have been brave enough to try to get into academic research, let alone feel as ok as I can about the prospect of throwing myself in the deep end and just rolling with it. I saw Luna do that from the moment the MASc started and she aced it, so if she can do it with mere weeks/days notice of her post starting and no idea what to expect, and manage to stay human and be amazing, I would like to think I have a chance at learning to swim in the whirlpool that will be my new job.
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