My relationship with Jack

Date: 24th Jan 2023

I was going back through old blog posts and realised I'd unpacked my relationship with Luna countless times but I've never done that for Jack and my key moments of realising he made me feel just as safe as Luna. And he's just as much a part of my healing journey as Luna was (and is), so quite why I never thought to unpack this, I have no idea. Maybe it's because Luna is female identifying and therefore, aligned much closer with the trauma around tutors that was always at the front of my mind. And so Jack, despite being just as awesome, got put on the backburner because I didn't have as many negative experiences with male identifying tutors that he could accidentally trigger. Who knows but we're unpacking it today because I'm actually kinda curious what those 4-5 moments were for me. It's not that I don't know them, it's just Luna's ones are super clear, they stand out and all 4 of them are super easy to pick out and define. Whereas Jack, well it felt like it just kind of happened one day out of the blue but I know that's not the case. There are several really key points where my brain just stopped in its tracks and went "okay, that's not like what I believed experiences with tutors should be like" and those moments are very different to Lunas - bar one which they share. Jacks are more him coming to me or finding me or supporting me, calmly and quietly. They're much more personal, intimate and between just us. They didn't feel as risky to me in the moment. They felt like a kind of much needed hug.

Whereas while Luna has a couple of those personal moments, hers moments of me realising she's safe, felt a lot bigger and more out of my control. More a combo of me reaching out, risking things I guess because I needed someone in those moments and my brain wanted her. And I ran with that instinct and she reacted in a new way to those moments of fear that the other female tutors I'd had, had never done before. But equally valid to those quieter, more personal moments with Jack. Very different experiences with two, very different people. But experiences that made me eventually, trust them enough to let down my guard and let them into my heart, where they have stayed ever since.

For reference, my key points with Luna are:

1. When she found me mid panic attack and stayed in Oct '22. I remember her offering me tea or biscuits. Yeah, aware that's a really specific thing to remember from a haze of a panic attack, it was just at the time, such an oddly lovely, sweet and caring thing for a tutor to do that it stuck out and hasn't left me. Big, scary, risky moment.

2. When she reacted with nothing other than utter care and compassion about the court case, probably Nov-Dec '22. Most of this was via email and teams messages, where she readily put in place support from herself for me, despite not being my personal tutor (and therefore, not actually needing to go above and beyond). More personal moment, much less risk involved as I was less vulnerable.

3. When she found me at UCL East in Jan '23 after I'd asked for her help due to persistent dissociation and being unable to ground. Again, not in her job remit and I probably wouldn't ask her to do something like that for me again if I had my time over, but she was so genuinely sweet and caring and spoke about her family and adventures she'd been on and didn't leave my side until I was back on earth again and she knew I was safe. BIG risk and a lot of terror, but one that paid off big time.

4. After she announced she was being forced to leave and despite being in pieces herself, she still checked in on me when she saw I was upset. Feb '23. Super personal.

After that point in Feb '23 with her, I never looked back. She was just "my gal" and in my head, we were academic besties and we got each other and vibed. Don't get me wrong, that wasn't the end of the panic around being vulnerable with her or making mistakes, you need only read blogs from March onwards to realise I still very much had those moments of "oh shit, I may have fucked this up" with her. But with Jack, the moments are a lot more spaced out. Well, kind of. He took a bit longer for me to trust, which seems really odd to me given that he's a man and I didn't have much prior experience of male tutors hurting me in the past. In my brain, with 0 offense meant to Luna, Jack should have been the one I trusted faster because he was further away from the trauma I knew. But for whatever reason, it was the other way around. And that's ok, because we got there in the end.

Having explored many moments with Luna on this blog and openly expressed my utter confusion, delight and many other honest emotions about these moments, I want to explore each one of these core experiences with Jack and how they gradually led me to shatter my own walls willingly and let my fear of him hurting me, go.

Okay, lets go take a trip down a more happy memory lane for once shall we? Figured we needed that after the last post being super expresso depresso as I like to put it.

Part one: The Panic Attack to Kill all Panic Attacks. UCL, October 2022.

Not sure if I have ever gone into too much detail about my first big panic attack episode at UCL. But like Luna, this was the first time I had a glimmer of hope that these tutors, may not be like the other experiences I'd had. I think I should state with a degree of certainty, that unlike Luna, Jack was someone I was mildly less scared of at this point in time. Again, probably due to him being a male identifying bean. Plus there's just something oddly calming about him, still can't really explain what, but even back then, before I knew the gem of a human he is, he just seemed kind before he'd even spoken. T'was probably his eyes and their kind twinkle I bet. Anyway... We were doing a movement class, in a theatre setting and in a very crowded, kinda dark room with a truly awesome person leading the class. They'd spoken a lot about body image, eating disorders and their own lived experience prior to the movement class and we were basically exploring what it felt like to move our body in various different ways.

Now here's the thing. The last time I'd done a big movement class like this one, I'd been at Central. We'd done a few of them but being in a room with people I didn't really know very well, reminded me so clearly of my audition for Central. Which Nicola had led. And this class at UCL, was a mere few days after that relationship with Nicola had blown up in my face, reigniting a whole bunch of previously unprocessed trauma from college (where we also did movement classes). Looking back, I probably shouldn't have gone in for class that day but my fear of abandonment, fear of missing out and letting my anxiety get the better of me, convinced me to go and try it. And I'm glad I did, even if it wasn't the experience I hoped for. If I was better at reading my body's signals, I'd have realised pretty dang quickly, the setting and the room was making me feel unsettled and on edge. But I didn't. I'd also have noticed, the moment we started doing movement around the room, that I went into a state of fight/flight and was checking corners of spaces and trying not to flinch when people were behind me. And most importantly, I'd have noticed the twinges of flashbacks from uni and college starting to settle into my body as well.

But I noticed none of that until we stopped moving or slowed down the movement, I can't really remember the precise trigger but everything I'd just outlined above, hit me like a pain covered, rock throwing, tidal wave. All at once. I suddenly realised how hot I was feeling, how uncomfortable I was being this close to so many people, how fast my heart was beating and how terrified I was that Nicola or Sara was lurking in a corner, waiting to snatch me back into their arms. In hindsight, I am so proud of myself for doing what I did next. I left the room for somewhere quieter. I, at that point in time, NEVER left rooms, it made me more anxious as I typically felt like I was letting everyone down or was worried someone would stop me and ask where I was going and I wouldn't have the words to explain why. But despite that, I knew leaving offered me the best chance of settling things back down and being able to go back into class again, so I left. I think I had to walk past Jack and Luna to get outside the room or at least walk past what felt like 4 million people but in reality was probably only 5 -10.

Outside, it was cold and beautifully quiet. There was nobody around and it was an area of UCL we were in, that people didn't typically come traipsing through. The cold helped to shock me back into reality a touch as I settled into a corner of the room to ground. I could see everything from this corner and had my back to the wall, standing at this moment in time, so I knew nobody could get to me without me noticing. I did a few grounding things but they didn't really work very well as my heartbeat was too loud to ignore. I realised I was shaking and still didn't feel safe, so I moved to a different corner and collapsed to the floor as the shaking got to a point I couldn't stand anymore, curled up sitting upright (head between my knees type thing) and rocked back and forth trying to settle. And then I'm pretty sure panic attack one happened. I say pretty sure, as I tend to forget everything (or at least most of) what happens in a panic attack and time kind of just fast forwards to when the world appears again. I don't know how long I was 'away' from the world. In fact I don't know how long this entire experience lasted. It felt like a lifetime, but it could have only been 10 minutes. But when I calmed down enough to lift my head, I got up and stood up against a wall. Still crying. And one of my, now friends, walked out of class to get water, immediately noticed me and came my way, which set me off into another panic attack as I couldn't move and thought briefly she was Nicola/Sara. I remember her asking if I was ok, to which I lied through my teeth, said I was fine and she left. And I felt less stressed but still vanished back into my head as the anxiety got too much. I imagine she went to get Luna and Jack as once she had disappeared, they both appeared a short time later. I'm pretty sure I was back on the floor curled up again, trying to hide from the world at this point. Not sure if I was sobbing or just hiccuping from forgetting to breathe but I was covered in snot, tears were everywhere and I was honestly terrified when I saw the tutors through my half hidden eyes, heading my way that I would be in trouble. I had an apology on my dry, chapped lips when Jack came and sat beside me and asked if I was ok. And the world stopped in its tracks. I vividly remember, despite the panic, looking up to spot Luna standing a while away, just gently looking at me. There was no malice in her eyes and she looked back at Jack to check he'd got this, before leaving to get me a cup of tea she'd offered. I felt awful she'd gone and bought me tea from her own income and immediately wanted to cry again. I dipped my head back between my knees and stifled my sobs as best I could.

All the while, on the bloody freezing, uncomfortable, hard, concrete floor, mirroring me in his body language (e.g. also sitting with his arms wrapped around his knees on the floor), was Jack. Pretty sure he was speaking to me about something, checking in, wondering what had happened. I can almost guarantee I said sorry at least 3 times in a few minutes. Though what I was apologising for, I'm not too sure. But he just sat there, talking or being silent, letting me guide the process and just listening when the fears (or parts of them) came out. He genuinely did not leave my side, not once. He just sat there, calmly, riding out the storm with me. Luna came back with the tea, checked in again if I was ok and then, seeing that Jack had the situation covered, headed back into class to presumably keep an eye on the rest of the students. And so there Jack and I stayed on the hard, unfeeling floor for what felt like forever. I eventually calmed down enough to explain a bit of what had happened, with a lot of "I'm sorrys" , though I was reluctant to give him too much information about the specifics of things. He will know all about the specifics now though. He was honestly, so kind about it all. He never once rushed me back into class, never once made me feel like I was taking up his time or like I was wrong for leaving class. And the fact he stayed, unmoving on that floor for as long as he did, all the while calmly talking about things that were happening here and now, still to this day, makes me so incredibly grateful. Because at that moment in time, the actions Jack and Luna did as a team, as small as they likely were to the pair of them, were life altering for me. That was THE FIRST time I had ever had someone be completely unphased by my anxiety and be completely, wholly, utterly willing to sit right next to me and ride out the panic with me. Not force me to do it faster, not ignore me, be WITH me.

And that was point number one for both Jack and Luna. A moment that flagged in the best way possible, this duo of tutors was likely to be the kind of people I would want to stay in touch with forever. Who were led by genuine care and compassion for their students.

Which leads me to...

Part Two: The Day I Realised I Couldn't Do SELCS' Class. UCL, January 2023

Ok, admittedly this one is a very specific email and series of actions that came afterwards. This is LONG before I failed the Cultural Narratives of Ageing - CNOA - (SELCs class in question) but it was the first week back at UCL after Xmas break was done, mid Jan. I think 2 weeks off from the court case happening. Anxiety was high for me and I walked into my first CNOA class with high hopes. Only for them to be dashed as the tutor briefly introduced the class and then left everyone to have a completely unsupported, unstructured conversation about a book chapter. TWO hours I sat in that room, contemplating life. Never once being able to join in the conversation as I not only, couldn't hear my own thoughts because everyone was talking all at once, but also had no idea when/if I could add my thoughts into said convo. I left 30 mins before class ended, immediately cried and went "I can't do that again, what do I do?". So in a haze of literal panic at potentially being told by UCL I'd not attended enough classes if I simply skipped them, I emailed Jack. Or teams'd him, one of the two. And much like part one, his response filled me with peace. He told me my options and when I explained what had happened and why I couldn't go back, he was, again, so grounded, so calm, so utterly supportive and validating. He didn't question whether it was a good plan to do anything differently, whether I was being dramatic, whether I had misunderstood anything. He just went "okay, so we can't change to a different class, why don't we try to see if you can just do the reading and assessments. Would that be ok?". Tears of joy were shed because he made me feel human and it felt like he got it. He emailed Stefan and spoke on my behalf and had said, if our original plan of the readings failed, we could come up with something else. He made me feel very much like I was not fighting this thing alone and I wasn't used to that. That day made me, again, stop and go "well huh, this has never happened before. I think I like the feeling of someone fighting alongside me". And I squirreled that thought away in the back of my head, along with the October experience. I still didn't 100% trust Jack but I was gradually getting there.

Part 3 and 4: The Day We (Almost) Lost Luna. UCL, February 2023

Now the next two moments happened the same week. In fact, they happened one day after another. And in my head, are kind of linked. I can't say all that much about part three, because that would involved sharing some of Jacks own lived experience and I'd never dream of doing that without permission. But in short, one day in Feb, he opened up to us about his past. The things he was proud of, the things he struggled with, how he got into teaching and so on. This was Lunas idea and I wonder if looking back, this was because she knew she may be leaving and wanted those of us who trusted her because we knew her background, to have the same experience with Jack. Or because she wanted us to see Jack how she saw him. Idk, but regardless of why she pushed him to open up, those 30 minutes where Jack gave a heartwarming presentation of his life to us, willingly I add, made me suddenly relate to him on a whole other level. A lot of our own lived experiences from aspects of our lives, aligned and I realised he might actually understand more of what I was going through, than he previously would admit to. Which made him seem like a dang warrior to me to be honest. He was also really unsure it seemed during that presentation, which ironically gave me a lot of confidence about being unsure around him, being vulnerable around him. Because if he was willing to be so open, so raw, so vulnerable with us, I suddenly realised I could do the same with him. And that, was big for me.

The second part of this (well part four I guess) came after the news that Luna was being forced to leave the course. A mere two hours after Jacks honest presentation (or thereabouts). I explained in the last post the amount of turmoil this caused me and it was probably the second time in my life where I felt like my heart had been properly broken without being in love - first time being when Nicola left the way she did. Not that I've ever BEEN in love and had my heartbroken, but you know what I mean. I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay on the course without Luna around and I can't remember if I mentioned this to Jack the day of Lunas announcement ( I probably did tbh, but can't be certain as I was again, in that slightly dissociated, very panicked state where my brain doesn't really actually remember or process anything). But I must have mentioned it to him at some point. And he immediately wanted to help sort something out for me. Like IMMEDIATELY. Arranged a meeting with me for Wednesday morning (it was Tuesday afternoon/evening at the time) to chat about how HE could support me, what I needed to stay on the course and my concerns. Which broke my heart all over again. In that meeting, he was just as wonderful as he'd been back in October and with the SELCS issue. My vulnerability around him was met with care and honesty from him and an incredible amount of understanding. He knew why I was as scared as I was about Luna leaving, he'd seen part of my breakdown the day before but there was no way on earth I wanted anything to do with anyone remotely tutor related at that point. I just wanted my friends. And he respected that. In fact both the Tuesday and Wednesday that week, he'd done nothing other than respect me, respect my boundaries and do so with an amount of care, compassion and understanding that made me want to cry at the time (still does now if I'm honest). I told him my worries, my concerns and fears about what would happen if Luna left and together, we planned to fight back against UCL. He opened up about things he was doing, told me how I could help and let me into the fight against UCL him, Luna and the rest of our department were already battling. And in that moment, by treating me like a complete, trusted equal, the little uncertainty that guarded my heart from him, shattered. It fell away and I just got it. That was my moment of clarity, sitting in the same booth I'd been comforted by Luna in a month ago, at UCL East, by myself on teams with Jack, I just knew he was safe. There was no questioning like there was a few times with Luna, there was no lingering doubt, he just immediately got handed all my trust, my broken heart and my respect and he cherished them. He kept everything so safe and has continued to as well.

And in case that wasn't enough, you want to know the moment everything was 100000000% solidified for me? And I saw his true colours with no uncertainty whatsoever?

Well, here we go, onto the final part.

Part 5: SELCS and the LSA Nightmare. UCL (and various locations in London/Wales on Zoom/Teams), June - Nov, 2023

Now I've already spoken about my lived nightmare of the entire Late Summer Assessment (LSA) process with SELCS, so I won't go into detail about the specifics of what happened here. But there is a blog post outlining it all somewhere on this site. But it was a stressful nightmare every waking day. I felt like I was falling apart so fast nobody could possibly put me back together. And to be fair, nobody did, I did that myself. But people helped me to put myself together and rebuild my confidence around academic writing. Jack was crucial to this entire process. Much like that panicky experience way back in Oct, where he sat on the floor with me, never left my side and made it clear he was there for me, he did the exact same thing with SELCS. The MOMENT that email came through stating I'd got results back and I realised I'd got a 30 and failed, he was by my side like lightning. And oh my goodness, was he incredible. At that time, I needed someone to hold my hand and essentially go "it's ok, I got you, I got this, you're not alone" and that's exactly what he did without question. He was as baffled as I was about the marks and as concerned how I'd gotten them as I was and straight away launched into protective detective mode. He firmly believed something had gone wrong somewhere and that (for once) the fault didn't lie with me. I'd had this experience (but with plagiarism) happen at Central and the tutors refused to believe me when I said I hadn't plagerised the sentence they thought I had, and it was my own words. So I was kind of half expecting a response along the lines of "well are you sure you didn't screw this up somehow?" but instead I got handed a bucket full of confidence boosts and a tutor who (to this day) still believes the mark I got was wrong and not deserved.

So after a lot of back and forth, a lot of comfort and "it's ok, it's going to work itself out, you won't fail it again. Breathe" type messages on teams and a solid few digital meetings as well, we formed a plan. Well, he formed a plan and I ran with it. And through thick and thin, through all the stress, the unfairness, the anger, frustration and discrimination I had/faced, he was there, riding out the storm with me again. He unconditionally supported me every step of the way. He never once faltered in his belief that my work was of a good standard and that I'd done all I could and been unfairly failed. Which is the truth but I was doubting it at the time. He never stopped believing things would be ok, even when I lost all my remaining faith in the world and wanted to cry. He was steadfast, strong, encouraging and there in ways I needed him to be. He was my rock during that time and without his support, care and dedication to fighting alongside me, I'm not sure how far I'd have gotten with the resit process before I cracked. I mean I did crack but he held me together with his support, as did the rest of my friends and Luna. But importantly, he alone made me feel like I could take over the world (still does) and it just cemented everything I thought I knew about him.

His honesty with me in those months, his care and his undying, unwavering support and belief in me, made a process that could have stopped me from doing anything academic ever again, become a process, that while not pretty, was doable. And he was also helping supervise my thesis at this point too, so we had a lot going on. But he was always there and always knew the right thing to say to get me to understand all would be fine. And honestly, I am forever thankful for having him by my side. Between him, Luna and her utter disbelief at the entire situation and then, anger from what I have gathered, and the rest of my friends uniting to form a strong barrier of love, hugs, support and distraction, I got through that process relatively unscathed. And made another firm friend in the process.

So when I said Jack was just as big of a part of my healing journey as Luna was (and they both still are a part of it today as we change from student/teacher, to academic equals as I venture into the world of paid university employment for the 1st time), I mean it. He could not have done more if he tried that man. He was perfect every step of the way and I feel incredibly lucky to have had him as my supervisor for my thesis because there were many other, very personal, happy, joy filled moments of "omg, we both love XYZ" that happened in those meetings. And his eyes still do that happy little twinkle thing as well, specially when he's talking about something he loves, which makes me feel a level of joy that is infectious. And dear reader, know that I deeply want eyes that twinkle. There's something so comforting, so joyous about twinkling eyes and I would be ridiculously happy if someone ever told me my eyes were twinkling with joy/passion. If I could have Jacks twinkling eyes and his undying love for life, and Lunas steadfast, persistent strength and her ability to be the bubbliest, happiest person in the room without even trying (even when she's struggling), I think I'd be all set for life to be honest.