Date: 9th December 2023
So I've had one of those weeks that has felt heavy and a bit soul destroying. I found out on Monday that at the moment it is looking like I am going to graduate my MASc in Creative Health with UCL with a merit, not my predicted disctinction (1st). That news near enough destroyed me as this is literally down to the discrimination I faced while studying under SELCS and the unfair original failure of my essay, resulting in an LSA process being started. Yeah, remember that hot mess of stress fueled... well stress? It's still having a massive knock on effect with outside perceptions of my academic work standards. I'm beyond infuriated and broken by this news as I missed the 1st by under one percent - to be incredibly precise, it looks like I missed out on the required 68.50 (or above) with 50% of all credits being graded at 70% or above, by literally 0.13%.
But I will graduate and that was something I wasn't sure would happen when the SELCS issue started, so progress? Unfortunately, there is such a super slim chance I will be able to overturn this grade and get awarded the grade me and my tutors both know I deserve. I'm attempting to (more about that in a bit) but I'm not hopeful that anything will change and that 0.13% will haunt me forever more...
But, despite (probably) graduating with a merit (that doesn't represent my actual overall marks outside of SELCS), I got a FIRST on my thesis! I cannot even begin to state how immeasurably proud of this piece of work I am and will forever be. I spent 3 months working with some incredibly well known and well respected places and was part of a one of a kind research project - that still hasn't quite sunk in and I'm sat re-planning my thesis for publication! I'm not entirely sure it will ever sink in quite how life changing this year has been... You need only read the last 20 odd posts I made in the last year, about my time at UCL and I think anyone will understand how far I have come in my healing journey in such a short time. I'm a massively different person than I was 15 months ago and that is something SELCS cannot take away from me, no matter how hard they may want to.
I got consistently good grades across the board with my (many) other assessments and learned an incredible amount about not only myself, but also where I fit into the world of Creative Health and the ways in which said field works. I worked my arse off for this course and am genuinely, really proud of the work I created and was involved in. Over 50% of my credits got 70s or above, with both my 15,000 word thesis AND my Approaches to Interdisciplinary essay (amongst other parts of multi-assessed modules (a Research Methods assessment (at least 1/5), dissertation presentation (which got 77!) and my conference organisation marks). My skills in an academic capacity have 100000% improved and I'm so stupidly excited about the idea of doing a PhD in a couple years!
Aaaand, in case I haven't mentioned them enough, I made some incredible friends along the way, who have been my rock when things got hard. I love these people and would drop everything for them in a heartbeat if needed. I went out and did social things that would once have scared me and loved every second. Like my BA I wound up helping many people with their theses and despite not being student rep for longer than a term, still somehow solidified my position as the '3rd course tutor' alongside Luna and Jack. Yes, I wasn't paid for the privilege but it was fun while it lasted and made me realise I'd make both a fab tutor but also a really good researcher/research manager.
I stuck it out in London for another year and thrived there - despite weird living situations falling apart around me while studying. I love that the last 2 months I was in London I was house sitting for a friend and so had a true opportunity to know what it was like living solo and omg did I bloody love it! I still cannot quite believe that happened, it still feels very surreal but I loved the flat I housesat in, to pieces. It was so unbelievably cosy, warm and homey. Plus it was in my literal favourite place in London as well, so win win if you ask me! One day I hope I would be in a position to be able to help another student out and let them housesit for me in the future. I think paying things forward is the best thing to do when faced with immeasurable amounts of gratitude for the person in question and I think it's something they would appreciate as well.
Most importantly I started to heal from some (very old) trauma this year - mostly thanks to a combo of therapy and 'right tutor, right time'. I learned to say no, to look after myself and my needs. I learned that I could crochet in class, stim, stop masking my autistic traits and the world would not crash and burn around me. I went on podcasts and spoke about my lived experience of the world, I wrote blog posts for UCL newsletters. I presented my work to many people at both conferences and via social media/email. And I put myself out there and networked. I never did the majority of this at BA level and I was damned if I tried to do anything along the lines of this at college, so I guess I finally found my voice this year and it's going to be hard for people to silence me again. Though when it's work related, I know I'll be able to stay silent about things as required, provided it's not discrimination based secrets.
I am a fab academic and while this may seem like I am blowing my own trumpet (and very loudly at that I may add), I sometimes need to sit and list things that worked when I'm faced with news about my grade that, frankly, has made me really sad and incredibly angry. This year has been a lot and the journey is still not over either. It sucks it's ended this way and with a grade that in no way represents me as an academic but it won't stop me from staying in the research world and doing my PhD.
If I had it my way, SELCS would be wiped from my records entirely. This entire situation with them sucks and I hate that their discrimination will now stain my CV and possible perceptions within the academic world until I get my PhD. I'm honestly currently torn between wanting to cry, scream or burn various places to the ground and feel literally heartbroken at this result. Not what I wanted at all and frankly, not what I deserve either. And not what my tutors wanted for me.
Just to be super clear, a merit is in no way a bad grade at all. Just for me, it just doesn't actually align with the real grades I was getting at UCL. And in my head, going from a 1st at BA level to an upper 2:1 at MA level, looks like I cannot keep up my academic standards as the expectations increase. So it's going to take me a while to figure out how to spin this so people understand this isn't actually a realistic representation of my standard of academic work - without having to go into the whole SELCS issue... Any suggestions?
I know many years/months down the line I will eventually feel proud of the fact I didn't fail the course and got a 68.37 overall. But there will now always be that voice in my head that wonders what would have happened if...
Speaking of "what if", I mentioned I was fighting this grade. So that's ticking the last "what if" off my list. This is literally the last thing in my tool kit as a student to fight back against this. Like I said, the chance of this grade being overturned and the extra 0.13% being awarded so I get a 1st, is so stupidly slim, I almost didn't even try. BUT I have actually filed both a formal academic complaint against SELCS and their persistent discrimination and refusal of support AND an academic appeal to attempt to get my grade changed from a merit to a disctintion (again on the bounds of discrimination and bias against me from SELCS and the fact the grades never aligned with the feedback and marking criteria at UCL). I have more evidence than originally thought and I'm really thankful for past me refusing to delete things and stashing away all the emails, grade feedback, communication with Jack/Luna about this, meeting notes, essay plans and the rest of my paper trail.
So we shall see. Imagine I'll still be forced to graduate with a merit but for the second time ever in my life (1st being filing that formal complaint against SELCS), I'm fighting my corner and believing in my work standards and refusing to let discrimination and a bunch of nasty, petty people, ruin my life. I didn't fight anything or report anything with Sara and Nicola - surprise, that's Claudine's real name! And I swore after Nicola's abuse that this would never happen again and I have (and will continue to) stand by that promise to my past and future selves. Like I said, think nothing will happen with the appeal but we tried and I'll forever feel really proud of myself for that :D
That's all for now but this honestly feels a bit like I'm in a lot of pain/slowly dying as a result of a thousand little papercuts given to me by SELCS over the last year.
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