Where has the time gone?

Date: 19th October 2023

Two days ago I officially handed in my MASc thesis! That sentence still sounds weird to both say and write. Like where has the time gone? I have spent so much time on this blog raving about how incredible my teaching team at UCL have been and honestly, how could I not? Between Jack and Luna, I pretty much had everything I needed in my life (and then some because of my awesome group of friends). This last year has been immeasurably life changing and I still can't quite believe it actually happened. So in the final few official days of me still being a Master's student, I thought I would reflect on just how much this past year has changed me and put (metaphorical) pen to paper and pen a massive thank you letter to everyone who has been a part of this MASc Creative Health journey.

Last September (which omg, feels like a decade ago!), was full of both nerves and also new levels of excitement for me. I'd spent the last (almost) 2 years at Central researching what I now know as Creative Health interventions - though at the time I knew it as "arts in health" but they were much more Creative Health than Arts in Health. I might write a post on the differences between Creative Health and Arts in Health as it's annoyingly complicated and not something that is massively relevant to this post.

Anyway, I spent 2 years doing really cool creative research and facilitation work at Central but at the cost of either my sense of self - or mental health in the case of Claudine and her (just over) year-long placement. I started the course at UCL knowing I liked using the arts to help people with their wellbeing and mental health but didn't really know what to do with that love. I'd fallen in love with academic research long ago - like within the first couple of years of my BA at Central - but hid that for fear of being ostracized. But in my brain, there wasn't really a good way of combining my love of (predominantly) dementia-based research and my desire to co-produce and be creative. I don't really know what I thought the course at UCL would do, I think I was hoping it would give me more contacts and allow me to have an extra year to essentially sort my shit out. But here we are over a year later with more things added to my list of things to love and things I have learned than I ever dreamed would be possible.

However, despite my excitement at this new course, I cannot sit here and pretend like everything was fine with me in the first 4 or 5 months of the course. September was emotionally exhausting for me and resulted in things with Claudine blowing up in my face and (yet more) trauma being added to my little collection. Trauma that I was not in a suitably safe feeling place to actually talk about or process. Things blew up to a point where I seriously considered if academia was a good place for me to be in. Enter my (at this point, very new) friends. Jack and Luna back then were not people I truly trusted. Sure, they had shown me they were nice and they both had something about them that I felt drawn to but given what had happened with Claudine, I was understandably not going to run into their arms. My small group of friends were amazing during the early months on the course. They held me and listened but never judged when things spilled over about Claudine. My friend Becky was incredible in the first 2 months of the course, ditto another duo of friends Lilac and Ailsa. These three were very much my source of comfort and safety and there were plenty of times when they would drag me out to grab food or study with me or just generally talk. And they really did provide me with a super safe space before I knew that Jack and Luna were ok to approach with things.

Then in October, a court case got announced, I got seriously stressed and massively triggered and at this point, the first seed of "Luna and Jack can be trusted and are safe" was planted. The 'sit on the floor, offer me tea/coffee and tell me I'm safe' episode happened, I emailed them both and explained what was going on and immediately got smothered in the warmest love, care and support physically possible. Safe space got slightly bigger and slightly safer as well. Half term (well reading week) wambled around and I returned back to Wales to be with my family and attempted to start on an assessment. And then before I knew what was going on, it was November, which from recollection sailed past with minimal major episodes of panic.

I was still REALLY nervous, on edge and stressed and having a lot of panic attacks, flashbacks and general breakdowns. But was going out, building relationships with my budding friends and having as much fun as I could do. I saw theatre shows, went on long hikes, studied with people and read SO many things. We also moved from UCL Bloomsbury to UCL East in Stratford, so I had to relearn routes to places and very quickly realised I did not like UCL East - I still don't! But it was getting darker, winter was setting in and December rolled around. December was the first time I think I genuinely went 'huh, there's something going on here and I think I like it' with Luna. I'd had moments before where I thought I was heading towards trusting her and feeling safe around her but then one night, Fran, Luna and I were walking back towards the train station from UCL East and found a festival bauble made of lights. And we of course, had to stop and get pictures - how could we not? But in that moment were Fran, Luna and I were standing in this ball of light, pulling silly poses and messing around, I very briefly stopped panicking about everything to do with tutors, boundaries and messing things up and let myself have fun. No repercussions happened as a result of that night and the pictures we took, wrapped up in our winter gear and surrounded by festive vibes, are honestly some of my favourite pictures from my time at UCL. That night resulted in me massively opening up to Luna and actually asking her for help with the assessment I was struggling with. 27th December, we spoke for what felt like forever, though I think it was likely only 30 mins or so and I came out of our online conversation feeling like I had a hope in hell of completing this assessment. I didn't really look back from that moment with Luna and she really did see the best and worst of me during December and January.

When I returned to London towards mid-January, I'd already been speaking to Luna about my worries about approaching tutors, managing the coursework effectively and general stress as I approached this court case. To nobody's surprise, she was fucking awesome. And by the time I rocked up at UCL East again, while I was still really stressed and anxious, I knew I had at least one tutor I could approach and be safely vulnerable with. I fell apart in Jan but Luna and my friends held me together and supported me while I recouped after the court case and by the time I'd turned 22 in early February, I felt better, safer and like I could finally focus on writing things and the things I loved.

It was around this time, my mindset with Jack also shifted. He went from someone (as painful as this is for me to admit) who scared me and made me feel really anxious, to someone I started to see in a new light. He'd been really vulnerable with us around mid-February and had also approached me countless times to inquire about how I was doing and comment on my (at this time, newly acquired) 'crocheting in class' related projects. He also started to key in on how to read me and also offered me comfort in a very different way to Luna. While Luna is much more like me (as in, slightly chaotic and messy in a wonderful caring, confident way), Jack is so calm and peaceful. Luna would manage to distract me from my anxiety and chase my worries away with her chatter and stories, she'd ground me and her infectious bubbly energy made it so hard for me to worry.

Whereas Jack somehow managed to stop my thoughts and offer me peace, serenity and a moment of quiet in my head. I still swear that man can read my brain. It's like all he needs to do is glance at me (not even that sometimes) and he'll know what is going on. And during the times when my placement at the V&A started, that's when I REALLY saw him come to life. I got to see this man light up when he spoke about object handling and his passion for research, infected me. Once I got past my initial anxiety around him and saw the true gem of a human he was (and is), I needed nothing else. Unlike Luna who took me a while to trust even when I saw her truest self and knew she was safe, once I realised the type of human Jack was, it was like my walls fell down so fast there wasn't even dust left at the end. I just somehow knew he was safe. And it was around Jan-Feb that this sudden collapse of anxiety and panic around him happened. And then all we needed to do was wait for my confidence to grow and now I never stop asking him questions. Like literally emailed this man yesterday KNOWING my time under his wing as a student was done and dusted. But I had questions and wanted his advice, so I asked. Didn't even hesitate! That confidence took longer to grow than me trusting him did haha. But we got there in the end.

I needed both things my tutors offered and I'm in no way trying to say one is better than the other, because I often needed Luna to chase me out of my head, just like I needed Jack to soothe, calm and relieve me from my panic both before, during and after things had spiralled. They both had a way of helping me and even having tried to explain it, I still don't think I've hit the nail or even gotten close to really understanding what they offered to me and the ways they both helped me out (as a team and solo).

By March I was bloody vibing. I was loving classes, felt safe with both tutors (though was still quiet and shy(ish) around them both) and was busy writing and researching for essays. It was at this time, some of my strongest friendships were formed with my awesome friends Mariana and Chia-yi. We formed a study group together and were reading essays, attending classes together and helping each other through struggles. Oh and we went to our united favourite thing outside of class together as well - Crafternoons with Luna and co. Many good moments happened with Mari, Chia-yi and I throughout term 2. I'd also started my placement at the V&A and threw myself into everything possible. Term 2 ended in March and I again, returned back to Wales to see family and worked my little butt off on the 4 assessments I had to complete. And at some point between March and returning to UCL in April, a switch had clicked in my head and all filters just fucked off somewhere. I started asking questions like there was no tomorrow and engaged with BOTH Luna and Jack in ways I had never done before. Prior to this point, I'd stood by their side at strikes and threatened to pull out of the course if UCL continued to treat Luna the way they had done and when I returned that confidence in our relationships only grew.

My friend group during this time was also going from strength to strength. I'd started helping people with assessments/ethics applications and entered into my (jokingly called) 3rd MASc tutor role within the year group. Luna and I were creating things in class and going off to festivals, theatre shows and discussing our love of research. I've shared essays with this woman I've never shown anyone else. May and June were so much fun. I was gardening and sharing my love of this with Jack. I was preparing presentations for conferences, organising things with friends, hanging out with Luna outside of uni and my academic confidence was at an all-time high.

And then we got the news I'd failed an assessment. End of June and my entire world stopped. The coursework for the MASc had also fallen off the face of planet Earth and my placement with the V&A finished. I was also facing financial insecurities and facing having to go back to Wales before I wanted to. During June and July Jack was incredible. That man I swear could fucking move a mountain for his students. He stopped at nothing to make sure I felt like I was not going to fail this essay again. He attended conversations with the other tutor, offered solutions and advice at the drop of a hat and never failed to bring me into the most random situations possible. I think it was in June that I got invited to speak about my time on the course to incoming students at an open-day event and I snapped that up. The pair of us literally sat in our common room and I had so much fun being part of that event and honestly, felt so honoured to have been asked (and trusted) to be involved. I also talked to Jack and another tutor Charlotte as part of an advert for the course, we chatted about my placements, my favourite moments and more and I really loved it. I hadn't spent much time with Charlotte prior to this as she was (and still is) on a secondment with an arts in health related project. But I feel very proud of how brave I was during May - June.

I didn't really see or hear from Luna much during June and July. I saw her a few times but Jack was the one who was about the most. I worked on and off during July, both for UCL and for the Bloomsbury Theatre. Nothing major happened, I worked on my dissertation thesis and tried to contact the failed module tutor, to no avail... But a few days before I moved into a house sit to let me stay in London from the end of July till mid September, I fell ill. I had one of the worst panic attacks I'd ever had, got so panicked to the point I vomited 4 times in a row - in front of Jack I hasten to add. I had never wanted to curl up and hide more in my life. Tbh, thinking about it fills me with such a severe level of cringe it STILL makes me want to hide and apologise. I left a conversation with him, headed home and spent the entire night with heart palpitations, to the point where I missed a morning shift at the theatre because I felt so gravely ill. I went for my afternoon shift and spent the entire time with a racing heart, feeling like I couldn't breathe and like I wanted to vomit again for THE ENTIRE 5 hour shift THAT I WAS SAT DOWN FOR!! So I did what any sensible human would do in that situation and took an NHS 111 online test, entered my symptoms and got told to phone 999. Which I did and yeah, ya gal ended up in hospital with a racing heart that wasn't beating as it should do. Jack had suspected the day before when we'd spoken that I wasn't ok and I immediately messaged this man to thank him for alerting me that something was off with me. He may have saved my life. We still don't know what caused my heart to literally skip beats and what caused it to be over 130 BPM at a resting rate or why it dropped below 40 BPM while I slept in hospital and that's been really stressful. But we're ok now. Still have weird symptoms and a tightness in my chest but eh, I'm alive and it wasn't a heart attack or clot, so we're all good if you ask me.

Anyway, got out of hospital, moved into my house sit - which OMFG was honestly such a vibe. 2 bed flat ALL TO MYSELF. In a super beautiful, quiet area of London. I'd never loved a flat or location more in my life. It offered me a peaceful, safe place to study and collapse in a heap in front of a movie once I'd come back from studying with my friends at various UCL libraries. Forever thankful to the person who offered me said place. I owe him big time! The last few days of July and all of August were spent hanging out with friends, studying together and peer-reviewing parts of our dissertations. Again, didn't really see or hear from Luna much but I knew she was ok. My friends and I went for picnics in parks, studied at each other's houses (bar my house sit as my friends (bar two of my closest friends) thought I had never moved house at all), went on walks, supported each other and generally vibed. I worked on the resit for the failed essay, Jack was (as per the norm) so bloody awesome I could cry thinking about it. I swear he's the reason that entire situation didn't break my soul and academic confidence. He spent the entire time (alongside Luna and my friends) repeatedly saying I was a brilliant student, could do academic writing and was going to be ok. I got an extension on my dissertation - thanks to my heart for that haha. Which took the stress out of the situation. But at that time I still thought if I failed this resit essay, I'd fail the entire MASc. So I was still REALLY fucking stressed about that. But was otherwise enjoying life. Especially in my vibey house sit. I had so many movie nights once I realised I could use the projector with my laptop. And listening to foxes, magpies and jays cackling in the dawn and dusk, was so comforting. It made me feel like I was safe and home.

And August, well it flew by and before I knew where the time had gone, I was saying goodbye to Luna as she left for the States to visit family and friends over there and then 2 weeks later, I said goodbye to my friends, UCL and relevant tutors and left London to return to my family farm in Wales. Which is where I still am as I'm writing this.

It was weird to leave as I didn't really get to say goodbye to Jack or 90% of my friends group. But September I submitted the essay resit - after much help from Jack and co! And shifted focus to my thesis. I also found out that even if I failed this resit essay, I would pass the course so long as I didn't fail anything else. So I finally felt like I could breathe again. My friends celebrated (long distance) with me when that news broke. And I cried. I've cried a lot since being back here, it's not easy and I miss my friends a lot. I miss UCL and have missed out on a lot of events because I am in Wales.

And then on the 17th of October 2023, I submitted my Master's thesis. Supported by the incredible Jack.

So yeah, this year has been a lot. It's been brimming with a whole lot of self growth, acceptance and love, amidst a shit tonne of stress and anxiety. But to be honest, other than the failed essay, I wouldn't change a damn thing. It's been messy, chaotic and insane at points but I have loved this last year. I've met people who have changed my life. And I know they will continue to do so in the years to come. I've learned to love myself, found where I want to work, realised I want to do a PhD and found my area of interest. I've fought hard to recover from trauma and learn to trust again and when I say this last year at UCL has genuinely changed my life forever, I mean it.

So to all the people who have made this last year a success, from tutors, to friends, therapists, my family and my past self, thank you. Thank you for teaching me I am enough, thank you for letting me fail and loving me anyway, thank you for helping me to see I am strong, brave, bold and can take the world by storm if I put my mind to it. I could not have done this without you all.

Now all we have to do is wait for grades from the resit, dissertation and one other MASc module and then this wonderfully mad year will officially be done. Here's to working in the real world and saving for my PhD - UCL I am coming for you in a few years again haha. Just convince Jack to supervise me please...?