Date: 8th Dec 2020
Why hello fellow readers! I'm not 100% sure where to start with this life update but I will start somewhere cos I have a funny feeling airing this out to the world, will ease my mind. Please read with caution and look after your wonderful selves. Remember, life will get better, even if it feels like it won't!
So here we go. Life update... On the 24th October 2020 I self harmed in a way I have never done before, I tried to overdose - yes many of you may be thinking that was a suicide attempt but having spoken about this openly with my therapist, we concluded it wasn't a suicide attempt, more of a bizarre way of self harming. The reasons behind this only came clear to me after I seriously attempted to overdose on the 18th November 2020. I scared the crap out of my poor flatmates, was admitted into hospital for three long days (thankfully no harm was done) and I came back to Wales to give my flatmates space to recover. I have now started the long process of coming to terms with what caused everything to spiral. Having been talking to my therapist for a while now, her first reaction to being told what happened, was of concern but also confusion. She didn't understand what had happened, why this had happened because I hadn't been 100% honest with her in the lead up to the event. So, we started talking in much more detail about my life, my relationships, friendships, friends, family life and my own view of myself and we found out:
1. I am insecure AF about myself. I REALLY don't like who I am, so for the longest time I have been untrue to myself around my friends for fear of rejection (and this fear is DEEPLY ROOTED).
2. I test the boundaries of friendships by pushing those I love away, revealing various details of my past to someone I barely know (some of which I lied about because I couldn't find a way to express my pain in a way people understood) and by being overly protective and anxious over said friendships failing.
3. I am in love (whether in a romantic sense or a "this person feels like family" sense I haven't figured out yet) with someone, who I did a bunch of things this year to make them happy. This in turn caused me to become more miserable because this person in my life, seemed to not see how unhappy I was.
4. I don't have self confidence, I have something we named "Other Confidence" (IE if others believe in me, I feel ok but I have no belief in myself, don't like myself even when others do and generally rely on other peoples opinions of me, to shape who I am)
5. This suicide attempt was attachment related (due to my friendship with someone seeming to fall apart before my eyes, with them seeming to be happier with other people, pushing me towards other people and not seeming to want to spend time with me (or when they did, it was always with other people around, like they didn't want to be alone with me). This person I did a lot for and I've come to realise that rejection hurts more than I imagined. They wanted other people to come into our space we used to have, they invited others into our friendship and I got left behind while they all created a home for themselves.
6. I was heartbroken. I was rejected and I blamed myself for everything that had gone wrong with this friendship.
7. I had been hiding all this for fear of the very people I have hurt, being just that. So what was the point hiding this? Well there wasn't but I just wasn't able to express how I was feeling in a way they understood, so I pushed them away, pushed myself too far and fell to the rockiest bottom I have ever met in my 19 years on this earth.
I hurt so many people with my words, actions and fears. And I'm not 100% convinced that anything will recover from this. I barely speak to any of my flatmates and my friend isn't speaking to me either. So I have lost everything, lost everyone I cared about and they all seem fine without me being around. Which begs the question, if they won't speak to me and I don't want to push them to speak to me because they aren't ready, what on earth am I going to do about living arrangements next term??
On a more positive note, I made a short film! Which was the highlight of this term of uni (which I have completed despite everything falling apart and got everything IN ON TIME! Something I am SO proud of because it was A LOT of work to get this film done in time.)
That's pretty much all the news from me, if anyone I know is reading this, hullooo! I am fine, safe and while a tad bit cold (Wales eh?) I'm feeling better for getting this all off my chest hehe.
Much love to you all
B xx
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