Date: 10th Jan 2023
Well fuck, today's gone about as badly as it physically could. Anything and everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong and I'm surprised I didn't completely lose my shit. So lets unpick this crappy ass day shall we and see what we can learn?
Several things contributed to the day falling apart and I'll try my best to discuss them all and rethink how to approach things in two weeks time when this day repeats again. Ok.
I think the thing that killed me before the day even started was that we had a 5 (yes a FIVE) hour long lecture this morning from 9am till 2pm. We had 3 breaks, 5 minutes, 30 mins and 15 minutes. Not the end of the world, have facilitated for about the same amount of hours with 2, 15 minute breaks and survived. BUT the important difference between facilitation and lectures is as a facilitator, I wasn't trying to learn, unpick and process a bunch of new information with new tutors and being expected to focus for that entire time. I was able to hand over to other facilitators and take "breaks" even when we were technically doing a workshop for the entire time.
This class took all of my mental energy and emotional capability in one fell swoop and before the thing was even over, I was so tired having been up since 6am (joys of stress and anxiety), that I started to dissociate and was unable to stay alert and awake after 4 hours of this class. I struggled and knew full well I was struggling but had nowhere to crash and decompress once the class had ended (bearing in mind it overran by half an hour!). Something to bear in mind is that the campus I am on, is very open plan and doesn't really have an easily accessible "quiet" space and looking back at today, I think my sensory overload from being tired and dissociated, started to make me feel unsafe and scared and made everything a lot worse.
I ended up skipping my back to back classes and took a much needed lunch break in an attempt to chill out and relax. Still wasn't feeling ok and was becoming more aware that I needed to ground myself or sleep. Sleeping wasn't an option, so grounding became my focus. Being around my year group was both a good thing, as they were chatting to me and keeping me more alert but also increased the sensory overload and internal distress. I came irritatingly close to feeling somewhat normal and then the police phoned me about a court case that is happening later this month and I crashed. Stress levels went through the roof, anxiety ramped up and while I felt incredibly relieved I finally had the information I needed, it also made the entire thing suddenly feel really real.
So, again realising I was spiralling, I went outside for a walk, which shook away some of the sleepy dissociatedness and I did wake up a little bit for the ten minutes I was outside. But I had a class to attend, which from what I can recall, was amazing. Liz Atkins was our guest speaker and she's an incredible person with a really interesting story and approach to creative health work. Despite still feeling unsafe, I sat in the class, took notes and again, started to feel more grounded.
Skin picking (the topic in question) is already something that hits a little too close to home. I used to self harm for several years and skin picking is somewhat linked to self harm in terms of its emotional relief and several other things as well but is a disorder in its own right. It's just comparable in my brain because of the stress, relief, guilt, lying cycle that happens with both. But nothing too graphic was mentioned and I could relate to the speaker on a personal level, which made me feel a damn site safer than I did prior to the class. I knew I wasn't alone. But then just before the creative session started, the topic of self harm was brought up and I suddenly was confronted with feelings and emotions I hadn't felt in a while and immediately felt very unsafe again. My heart rate picked up, I dissociated again and despite trying everything in the break to ground myself again, nothing worked. So I ran.
I left class, vanished into a stairwell and broke down. And for the following 2 hours, I was so spaced out, anxious, scared and dissociated I just hid myself away and allowed myself to disappear into the depths of my brain. I thought I could logic myself out of things like I normally do but with nothing working to ground me and feeling increasingly unsafe and anxious, I finally reached out for help and messaged one of my tutors (Luna), thinking they were highly unlikely to see it until I had wambled my dissociated arse back home. But she came. She actually came. And holy shit was she amazing and hoiked my butt out of this nasty dissociative, 2 hour long drawn out panic attack and back to earth. No idea how long it took or how long she was with me for but she made all the difference and by the time we left to go back to class together, I was back to feeling safe and grounded.
So what can I do in two weeks time to prevent this from happening again? Well for starters, I will be taking my own MINIMUM 5 minute break every hour, regardless of whether the class continues or not. I'll go outside, stretch my legs, grab some coffee or water and then go back into class. That way hopefully I will be able to slow down the brain energy drain.
Secondly if there is somewhere quiet to crash after that class, I will do. Regardless of whether it means I miss out on some of the dissertation tutorials that are back to back with Research Methods (5 hour class in question). I will try to take a nap or decompress between classes and ensure I have grounding techniques at the ready.
Thirdly, I will take snacks, grounding tools and fidget toys with me to every class from now on. Whether rings, a soft squishy toy, a grounding game on my phone or keys, I will have things in my bag that will help. And I will print out a physical copy of grounding techniques to keep on my person in case I forget them (and also in case anyone else needs them to help me).
And finally, I will bring sensory regulators with me. Headphones and music on my phone. And will use them when needed, even if that's on the way to class or between classes.
There's not much else I can do with regards to police calling me or other stresses that are not due to go away for the next 3 weeks but I think sometimes the little things will make a difference. And I can do the little things! Might even start bringing crochet or other fiddly tasks with me to do in class as well and honestly, tutors can deal with it and either email me about it or ask my personal tutors wtf I am doing should the other tutors have concerns or questions! I'm going to look out for myself and not stay in unsafe classes or learning environments, even if that means missing out on some information I might need. My health and wellbeing comes first this time!
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