Date: 25th April 2023
Well it's been a while hasn't it? I am still alive just been partially buried under the mountainous pile of work from uni and life. But otherwise all ok.
I had a moment today where I did something brave and I wanted to share that and why it was so important to me. It was TINY little mini moment of bravery but one that I stepped away from and felt incredibly proud of myself for doing. So what did I do? I approached a new tutor (Irene), of my own accord and spoke to her without my safe tutors being present in the room. I helped her out with zoom tech and then walked away.
Yes, that's it. But those of you who are long timer followers of this blog and of me in general, will know I have a fair amount of trauma specific to tutors and people generally being arseholes to me. This results in me being incredibly wary of new people and being really damn anxious around new tutors. It took me a solid 6 weeks of DAILY interaction with Luna and Jack before I even felt comfortable enough to say hello to them by myself, let alone ask for help or open up. And even when I did eventually open up, I was TERRIFIED beyond belief they would turn on me. They never did and as a result very quickly earned my trust but they both broke all my rules about how tutors "should" be. They were the exception to all my rules and scared me (still do to an extent) and it's been 7 months (or more) now and I STILL have days where I doubt them and worry they will turn on me. My issue to deal with and I'm in no way saying they're nasty people, far from it, in fact I'm saying the opposite, they're both angels and I love them both dearly (in a VERY platonic sense). But despite being comfortable around them and knowing I truly do trust them, it doesn't stop my triggers or my trauma from cropping up and shrieking in my face every time I interact with them or am vulnerable with them both. And these are people I have known for months.
Anyway, I'm saying all this because today, new tutor Irene has arrived on the MASc. And my safe space at uni was under threat for a while. When this news broke, I was back to feeling triggered and scared and vulnerable. I worried Jack or Luna would go behind my back (like other tutors before them had done) and tell Irene my personal information. And yes, I am well aware how stupid this all sounds and also how hurtful this must have been for them to both pay witness too. I said some stupid things (and apologised for them) and scared myself shitless that Irene (or worse, Jack/Luna) would become a Sara of this world and turn those I loved and cared for against me.
But then my therapist said something that made me pause and think. He said "what have you got to lose if this all falls apart?". And I sat and I thought about it. And realised I have nothing to lose. Irene is not involved heavily in what remains of my MASc. She's not my dissertation supervisor, she's not my personal tutor. She's essentially just another random, floating tutor.
So I came up with a plan (and sorry Irene and co if you ever read this). I'm calling this plan the "fuck it" method. And it essentially just involves me not caring if I say or do the wrong thing with or around Irene. Or even how I come across to her. Because what will I actually stand to lose if things don't work out and she doesn't like me? Or winds up hurting me? I have no relationship with this person and know nothing about her. And while this may sound crass, I don't care about a future with her in it either. If that ends up happening, cool, it's an added bonus but unlike Luna and Jack who I admire and have grown incredibly fond of (and arguably consider family at this point and thus want to stay in contact with), Irene is essentially a nobody to me at the moment. So for the next 6 weeks, I am going to be brave. I'm going to speak to her, interact with her like she doesn't scare me and doesn't matter. I'm going to deliberately go against EVERY rule I have about how to interact with tutors and not care if something goes wrong. I'm obviously not seeking to break rules or overstep boundaries, I'm just going to throw aside my rule book and stop caring. Because my therapist and I want to see if this changes my mindset or mentality around new people. He's theorised it might stop me from inflicting a trauma circle on myself and give me a chance to see what it's like to be free of that and just be me. Because at the end of the day, if I fuck this up, it's 6 weeks and then Irene's gone and I am free.
So lets see how this goes I guess? Hope for the best but be realistic. If it works out, awesome. If I fail, she's not important to me and I will have lost nothing other than time and energy. And Irene, if you stumble across this in the future, thank you in advance for the lessons you will teach me by being my guinea pig!
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