Date: 31st Dec 2022.
Dear reader, as 2022 draws to a close, I want to take some time to reflect on the things I have done this year that I am proud of. From small things, to huge life lessons, there are 8 things/moments that stand out for me and I want to take time to unpick them in a way posting on Twitter won't easily allow.
So, here are my 8 moments/things I am proud of from 2022:
1. I'm proud I graduated from The Royal Central School of Speech and Drama with a 1st class degree with honours in Drama Applied Theatre and Education. I worked really hard to get that grade, with the three years spent studying under the various tutors there providing me with many good times, bad times and lessons learned. I had to overcome some huge personal challenges to finish this degree, from a mental health crisis, to abusive tutors trying to destroy my organisation, career and strip my friends and network away and more but eventually I came out on top! I may have limited contacts from this uni and even fewer friends that stayed by my side throughout it all but I'm still proud of how far I came and how much I overcame to get this grade.
2. I'm proud of how far my organisation Creative Comfort has come this year. My incredible colleague (and very good friend) Molly and I have worked very hard to develop project ideas, grant applications, attend conferences and more this year and Im so proud of the pair of us for all our hard work - long may we continue! My stand out moment was attending the 16th DementiaUK congress on the 9th November this year and presenting our work to some amazing people, organisations and researchers. It was a huge success and I look back on the insanity of the 2 days we were in Birmingham with great fondness and pride. We've got some good plans in the works for 2023 and I'm excited to see what the future may hold with my CIO in the making!
3. I'm proud of how hard I have worked on myself in therapy this year. I've had some really tough times since 2022 started and I have had to work really hard to not fall back on damaging thinking patterns, belittling self beliefs and harmful action aimed at myself. I never self harmed, I stayed present where possible and actively tried to work through some really hard things, with varying degrees of success. But through the tough times, triggers, additional trauma, high anxiety levels and high stress, I stayed strong and kept fighting to stay on a healthy path to recovery.
4. I'm proud of my 400+ page diary that holds all my memories and moments (good and bad) from 2022. It's the first ever time I have completed a journal within a year and I'm really proud that I kept documenting things. I'll be able to look back on 2022 in years to come and remember the moments that matter and see just how far I have come in many areas of my life, which I hope, will be a rewarding exercise.
5. I'm really proud of getting a place on my MASc in Creative Health with UCL. I don't know how much anything I did had an impact on them accepting me but I am proud I got into the course regardless! I'm proud for continuing to push my professional boundaries and thinking patterns into new areas throughout this course and for seeking new ways of thinking, practising and researching, even when they scare me. It's been hard and stressful at times but I'm proud of how I handled things and that I have tried my best at everything given to me.
6. I'm proud I'm trying to learn what healthy relationships and boundaries look and (more importantly) feel like. I've never been in a mental place before where I have felt able to do this, so the hard work in therapy might just be paying off! Considering boundaries are one of the many trauma based triggers, the fact I am feeling ok enough in myself to try and learn how to put my own boundaries in place, is a massive deal. And I really hope that by this time in 2023/2024, I will look back and see this was the moment the penny dropped and I could start to make sense of boundary related things.
7. Leading on from my last point I'm ridiculously proud of recognising my struggles with asking tutors for help. This was not an easy thing to admit to myself, let alone to admit to my amazing tutors. It took a lot of courage and belief in myself that I was enough as I am and I had to talk myself through a lot of triggers, anxieties and panic attacks to send various emails or messages related to the topic to my tutors, but now we all know, things feel easier somehow. I think it goes without saying, these two tutors have helped more than they could ever know with their reliable reactions, support and care since this MASc course started in September and because they have made me feel safe(r) to be myself, they helped a lot to create a space where I felt able to go to them with struggles and seek ways to solve them. I'm hopeful this may be the start of things changing in this area, but we shall see.
And finally!
8. I'm proud I tried things that scared me this year. From public speaking (both in person at conferences and speaking solo online to my year group in an open mic night), to asking tutors for help, to applying to be a student rep and more, this year is proof to me that even my anxiety wont win in the long run! And that my trauma does not have to define what I can do. I've done a lot of things that I would never have dreamed I could have done even a year ago, so I am really proud of all the things (big and small) I have done that have scared me this year, it shows how far I have come in my self confidence!
So I think going off all of this and the things I have done well, I can still see areas for improvement. So my dear reader, my new years goals are:
1. To keep learning about boundaries and healthy relationships with tutors and peers alike. And to start listening to my gut instinct and trying to trust that I am enough for people as I am.
2. To graduate my MASc course (I am not putting a marker on the grade, lets just try our hardest with it and see what happens!). I want to make the most out of it and try to enjoy it as best I can.
3. To continue to work on myself in therapy. I have many more things to unpick, relearn and reprocess through the "I was autistic, not a faulty human" lens. And Im excited to see what the Dec 2023 version of me will look like
4. To try and work on a PhD question and work out (while I have help and support) where I could study, how to apply for things, funding, etc. I know I want to do a PhD, so why not try to work towards it somehow?
and 5. To continue to ask my tutors for help even when it scares me to do so. I want to learn and improve as I feel like a PhD somewhat relies on the student being able to ask questions to other people and ask for help and so lets ask more questions and try to ask for help before I reach breaking point this year!
And that is it for this blog post, I hope the new year is bringing joy to whoever reads this and I hope the festivities went as well for you as they did for me!
All the best
B xx
Comments