Date: 2nd April 2021
Well fuck am I’m so mad at myself for going too far that night. No in fact that entire time I was in the flat. It’s like I didn’t know how to be around him if i wasn’t damaged in some way. I’d lash out at myself, furious that I hadn’t made them all happy, drawing deep lines on my wrist with a sharp blade, watching in fear at the blood pooling and dripping. I’m angry at myself so much for the sheer amount of ineptitude I exude all the damn time. I’m so mad I didn’t die, that I wimped out that night and didn’t try to OD on something that would have made me fall asleep never to return to the world that just never wants me to be happy. I’m also mad that I would even think that because how fucking selfish does that make me? I’m angry they didn’t notice my struggles and they just used me for their own small uses, whether sex or the food I cooked. I’m so fucking furious at my family for being there but in the ways I never needed or wanted, for being too clingy, too emotionally blackmailingy and too ditatched from my reality to see how hurt and alone I was and still am. I’m mildly annoyed that Melanie made me tell my parents about everything two years ago, when I wasn’t ready but I think I am more pissed off at myself for letting her in, letting her see - even though a part of me needed her too - and for being that kind of person who puts someone they care deeply about in that situation!! I’m annoyed I can't remember MY truth about anything because it’s blurred between the emotions clouding the vague memories and how everyone else reacted, rather than how I reacted. I’m fucking inate at myself for being so naive as to believe slicing my flesh would get me anywhere emotionally. I’m deeply hurt and angry at my ex college for putting me in a place where I felt suicide and self harm was the only option to escape the overwhelmingness and lack of support and help I had. I HATE more than anything that I lied, that I betrayed myself and I despair at college for buying that without question and to Sara, Hailey and Lisa for letting me in, only to burn anything related to me when I left and cutting off all communication the second I “graduated” and left their care. I also dislike that I trusted Sara, especially after the way she treated me the first year of college and for letting her into my life and being vulnerable around her. But I’m proud of myself for not backing down and not giving them the pictures and claim to fame they needed but the flip side of that is feeling betrayed and irritated that Sara was only being nice to me to try and get me to say yes to her course getting the praise for me getting into RCSSD. Because HOW MANY TIMES will I let people use me? Am I really that desperate for love and friends to let 99% of them take advantage of me? Because how fucking dumb does that make me? Like how can I not see, not learn that people are shit? Why do I keep letting people in, only to end up lashing out at myself when they inevitably end up leaving me… I BLOODY HATE hating the things I cannot change but wanting to anyway. I also hate that I need to say sorry to move on and finally let him go or to hear sorry from college to move on and have closure. I also hate that I love Aaron so much it hurts, that he made me complete even though he would never feel the same way about me I do about him. I just wish more than anything I was someone else and could forget, wipe the slate clean and start over in a new life, with a new body and mind and be someone better than the lying, emotionally numb, draining, anxiety fuelled person I am and will probably always be…
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