Friendship...?

Date: 16th May 2023

I had a moment this evening when I suddenly realised something has shifted with my internal relationship boundaries with Luna. And I'm nervously excited about it. I'm nervous because my past relationships with tutors have gone awry when I slipped up and forgot a boundary/got too comfortable. So, the realisation that there's been a breakdown (or at least a significant change) in my own personal boundaries with Luna is uhhh... yeah, nerve wracking (but exciting). I think things are just naturally evolving because we get on really well and while of course there is a huge part of me that is super excited about the unknown-ness of where things will continue to evolve to, I was also rather scared upon realising I felt comfortable enough around Luna to start to consider her a friend and not 'just' a tutor. And I know exactly why this scared me a little because the last time things evolved this way with a tutor I got on well with, I ended up being really badly hurt by this tutor (Claudine). That's not to say I even vaguely think Luna will do the same, my relationship with her is so different to the one I had with Claudine and has gone a lot slower in the process of (possibly) going from strictly "tutor/student" to a more blurred "tutor/student/trusted friend or ally" relationship. With Claudine it took under 2 months and I'm only JUST reaching that point where I'm ok with things changing with Luna nearly 9 months into our (very stable) relationship. And I think that means I'm ok with the change because it doesn't feel rushed or forced like it did with Claudine.

BUT I realised a few days on from drafting this post (it's now the 24th for reference and this was started on the 16th) that Claudine does not have to define my expectations of relationships, far from it in fact! I do try and follow my "rules of engagement" with tutors, mainly to keep my sanity in tact but after knowing tutors like Jack (and in this specific case) Luna, for a while now, as weird as it is to say, I am comfortable with some of these internal rules being chucked to one side because I don't need them anymore!! Things change and that's ok.

For reference my rules of engagement (specifically with tutors) are typically:

1. Don't give unknown people your entire trauma/life history, only tell them what they need to know to support you

2. Be polite and respectful at all times

3. Establish boundaries and STICK to them

4. Ask for clarification if something feels wrong

5. Remember that until you graduate, you CANNOT be friends with tutors as it's not safe.

I've already (kind of) broken rule 1 and rule 5 is feeling shaky, which I think is the point of concern/excitement. I haven't quite told Luna and Jack everything from my past but they know the vast majority of it and I kind of don't care too much and neither do they. It was bit by bit and kind of accidental, things just cropped up (like court cases and panic attacks and trauma triggers) and they just got told bits and pieces here and there until... well, they got 90% of my story in an odd format and timeline. But this info, helps them to help me and understand where I come from (I think). But rule 5 changing... well that is a little unnerving because I don't know how to read that as I think that feeling is coming from me and not from them. I say I think because lets face it, I misread shit ALL THE TIME.

And tbh, Luna feels like someone who could be a friend... well, if she wasn't my tutor. We have so much in common and vibe on a really nice level and I like her. She's funny and kind and quirky and sometimes seems so much like me, it's like looking in a mirror. I want to see her succeed and like I do with my friends, the second that woman is hard on herself, I call her out on it - she's honestly stupidly hard on herself at points and I literally cannot stand it when people do a good job but then genuinely don't think they have and are super self deprecating and shy about their presentation or area of expertise. I call her out on her being too hard on herself because she does the same for me. And if she was another person on the course, I believe that we'd be friends at this point in time. She's the kind of person I would hang out with, she's literally like all my other friends I have on the course... but in a tutor role, which is weird for my brain because BOUNDARIES CLASH!!! So, my gut instinct I've been training myself to listen to over the last year, is saying one thing, while my logical brain is telling myself to go against that gut instinct of "she's a friend" because she's a tutor and I don't know where Master courses stand on that thing. Was for sure a no go with BA things... But that didn't stop Claudine and I from breaking just about every rule in the book (and then some!) while Central looked on and refused to help when things went awry - not at all bitter about that ;)

I'm really cautious of this gut reaction with Luna because I am so aware I'm likely projecting my own personal feelings onto her, which puts me at higher risk of misreading a situation. And I'm not too sure how to navigate this - times like this I wish I had a therapist on call several times a week rather than once... when I am rich, that's gonna be the first thing I do! More therapy + more processing time + more healing = better (and more stable) me. Anyway, I'm a little stressed and confused and worried I'm gonna go and do something wrong on a whim when I get tired or overwhelmed. I've already done that once with Luna at the festival and it haunts me to this day and is something I keep going over and over in my head in a negative "OMG WHY DID YOU DO THAT" way when I can't sleep...

But I won't lie there is a part of me that is so incredibly excited and proud that it's taken me the best part of 9 months of slowly and comfortably getting to know Luna as both a tutor and a person BEFORE this change in my own personal feelings about "being friends" started. I think that really shows how strong I am in myself and the knowledge that I am enough as I am and have (hopefully) learned that I REALLY don't need to run head first into relationships, tell everyone everything and then watch as things crash and burn 6 months to a year down the line! The fact I was ok to be solidly tutor/student with her and was still ok when that (minorly) fell apart and have been fairly ok with various aspects of things on the course and with the teaching team altering... well, that's massive for me. I think I can genuinely say, hand on heart, that this is the first time in my entire life (short as it has been), that I have not rushed head first into something and have taken my time to build up trust, rapport and respect between my tutors and I. I haven't felt the need to "prove" anything about my past by offloading my entire history in one go at someone I've only just met. I haven't rushed into telling them everything either and when I have told them something, it's been because I wanted them to know so they could better support me - not that I am too sure the other reasons little me had for telling people her entire history via an email 2 weeks into a course... something for therapy, though suspect it was to do with not feeling worthy or like I was 'broken' enough to warrant help and support and care or just not realising not everyone needed to know everything and how that could come across to someone... But I'm learning and that's promising!

I don't think there's a takeaway from this post, other than I guess things just change naturally over time and because this feels right and not sudden, forced or unrealistic, I think my brain, heart and soul are telling me that this relationship has been built on a really solid foundation. One that, should we both agree to it, could stand the test of time and create a more informal relationship that could bloody well go anywhere (bar romance because *vomit* romance and romantic relationships sucks and I would rather eat my own eyeballs than be romantic with someone again! I am where romance goes to die and am proud of that fact!).

I should go back to looking at my dissertation notes and continue to draft this lived experience podcast for the uni conference we have on the 6th June - doing it about accessibility within embodied practice for autistic trauma survivors (not sure that's a niche enough area 😅). But thank you for reading and coming on this little exploratory ramble with me :D

I will see you in the next blog :)