Date: 7th June 2023
Dear Luna, if I had all the bravery in the world, here are the things I would want you to know. Some I will send to you, others you may just have to find out if you ever stumble across this website (or I get brave and tell you about it and the fake name I created for you).
It's 9 months down the line from when I met you and I still cannot believe I am lucky enough to have called you a tutor, let alone have the possibility of calling you a friend and trusted ally in the future. You have honestly helped curb so much of my self doubt this year. You’ve been the (positive) subject of many therapy sessions over the past few months. And I can hear you saying that I did "all the work" and you had nothing to do with anything and yes of course I’ve worked really hard on myself in therapy. BUT I also know that the people around me are just as important for creating a space where I am able to fail, fall apart and be able to learn who I am in this world without fear of rejection, abuse or harm. You created said space for me this year and without it, I don’t know how much further down the path of self healing I would be from when I left my BA. By simply being your truest self, you have taught me so much and I'm grateful for all the moments, big and small, that have happened since we met in September 2022.
I vividly remember the moment I realised you were someone who made me feel safe. Mid term 1 after I broke down during a movement session, you and Jack stumbled upon me in tears, mid panic attack and body based flashback. And I remember being so scared that you would think less of me because I couldn't keep myself together in class and had to leave. After all, Claudine and Sara had made me feel so ashamed of my anxiety. I knew nothing of warmth and genuine care from tutors and had no expectations that you would dare to offer that to me. I felt in that moment when you found me, like time froze. And with baited breath I waited for the scolding, for the abuse and harsh words but none came. Instead, you offered me tea or coffee or biscuits and told me it was ok. You had such a beautiful warmth in your eyes and didn't approach me with fake pity or fake concern. In that moment of vulnerability and fear, the fact you seemed to understand and accept me and I walked away not feeling ashamed for the first time... well, I knew then that you were someone who was going to be different in every way to the tutors I had met before. And since then, every time (without fail) when I was going down a steep rabbit hole of self doubt, self hatred or panic, you knew the precise moment to step in and tell me it was all ok, that I'd done a good job, hadn't failed, let anyone down or been too much. You have literally taught me to trust tutors again. Something I feared would never happen and both my therapist and I agree this inner healing is in part, because of you being present and physically showing me that I am enough. You showed me this by staying true to yourself, being honest, being everything they were not and more. You never faltered in your support with me and your love, self acceptance (and at times brutally) honest words and advice, taught me bit by bit, that saying no and putting boundaries in place, is ok and in fact, a good, healthy thing to do.
I love that since I opened up to you about my past at the end of last year, that you realised I needed clarity in our relationship. At every step of the way, you have continued to communicate clearly with me and adapted how you interact with me based on my needs and boundaries on that given day. You did this while still staying true to your wonderfully awkward, chatty self and that made all the difference for me. You respected my boundaries and wishes and never once made me feel bad for needing to ask more questions than the average person, or check in when I got anxious and worried I'd screwed something up. You never made me feel guilty for shutting down or becoming monosyllabic in my answers, instead you repeatedly reassured me that it was ok and that you understood. And somewhere along the way, you learned how to read me better than I can and better than some of my friends can. I don't know when that happened but I'm forever thankful you have been able to pull me from panic attacks before they happen and have known when to step in VS leave me alone.
You've made me feel proud of being an awkward nerd and that is something I will never let anyone take away from me again! For what it’s worth, I think your work as an anthropologist and archaeologist is SO cool! The more I learn and read about it, the more interesting that area becomes and you have a lot to offer this world. I am so sorry UCL have continued to treat you poorly and refused to see the massive asset you are to this course. You are an incredible tutor and an even more awesome person and if UCL is unable to see that, screw them. You're going to go far and I will happily die on this hill.
I wish I was brave enough to tell you this in person or even via teams or email but I'm not. Maybe one day I will be but for now, this platonic love letter to you will remain hidden on my little corner of the interweb. You've made my aromantic, asexual, autistic, anxious little heart so happy, it could burst with joy. You've started a healing process that should have taken a lot longer and I have no idea where I would be today, who I would be today, if you hadn't have entered my life and taught me that I am enough as I am, that self care is valid and that being a research nerd is something to celebrate, not hide.
Never forget that you are loved by many people (both your students and other people in your life) and you are enough as you are. Sometimes I get the feeling that you need to be reminded of that.
Here's to the future, brave and uncertain as it is, I hope that we will stay in touch and geek out over Wednesday Addams, autistic representations in the media, knitting, crochet, crafting and our joint love of researching for many years to come!
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