Date: 28th Sept 2023
Well, just when you think life may have finally calmed down long enough for you to settle into it and catch your breath, something always seems to come along and shake things back up. I'm coming to the end of my time at UCL and am gutted to be back in Wales with my family for the foreseeable. I miss my friends, my old life, my freedom and my peace and quiet space that is mine. I love my family but living with them at 22 isn't ideal and I'm desperate to be back with my friends in London as soon as possible. But for once, I'm not conflicted on my feelings about where I belong and who I belong with. Unfortunately that has not always been the case within my own family.
My extended family dynamic has always been far from easy and smooth. Don't get me wrong, my close family dynamics are far from perfect but at least we all talk to each other and love each other (even if that's sometimes expressed in ways that go over my head). I lost contact with my paternal grandfather at 16 and haven't seen my paternal grandmother since approximately 8 (her loss, she's a weird one). And within the last 2 or 3 years (?), have stopped speaking to both my maternal grandparents due to some of their views about the LGBTQIA++ community being completely incompatible with mine. Discrimination is never ok and as part of the community myself and with at least one sibling a part of the LGBT+ community too, it fucking hurt more than words could express to hear a set of your grandparents openly discriminate against you. While my maternal grandmother is at least trying now, the same cannot be said for my grandfather. So I just don't speak to either of them because they live together.
I've learned while in therapy that sometimes holding onto relationships because they're family, ends up hurting me more than simply knowing when and how to let something go. While it's not easy to cut all ties, unfortunately my trust has been abused so many times in the past, most people only get one shot at a relationship with me and one (maybe two) big wrong moves that hurt me, before they get cut off. I don't seek reasons to leave people behind like I used to but neither do I attempt to pretend like they are not there when they are. It's a slow, complicated process. But I do think I am actually starting to heal and rethink through patterns of bad thinking habits that hurt me more than those around me. Anyway, before I side track myself, what does my grandparents being cut off from me have to do with anything?
Well, I found out earlier this week that my maternal grandfather has terminal cancer. We don't know how long he has to live, he was only diagnosed in the last week or two but it's left everyone in a difficult situation as we know he is going to die sooner than we all thought he would. We thought he'd end up meeting his great grandkids, see me graduate my PHD or at least reach my 30s and so on. And the news that he may not, is well, tough. And I for one have no idea how to react other than feeling immeasurably angry and sad at this man.
I'm angry because he may well die and never actually patch things up with my mother, my siblings or myself, which I can see is tearing my mum apart. I don't think I have ever seen her this upset or conflicted herself in my entire life. And despite all her flaws with how she raised us, I still love this woman to the ends of the earth and want to scream bloody murder at my grandfather for being a selfish git. And yes, that may sound like a horrific way to view this situation, he is dying after all but honestly, a rather large part of me is like "fuck him at this point. It's been at least 2 years of him being an ass to my mother and refusing to speak to her, being nasty towards her and he needs to buck his ideas up and make amends with his family who he has solely ostracised and wounded by refusing to simply apologise for his discrimination and hurtful words towards my mother, before it is too late". Because I swear to fuck only knows what if he dies and hasn't made amends with at least my mother, I will never forgive him because it may well break her.
I also feel heart broken and sad because a man I've had around me for most of my life, is not only dying but may die without my family by his side and may die a long, slow painful death, something I wouldn't wish on even Claudine. For all his faults, I do still love my grandfather and would happily welcome him back into my life if he made amends with my mother and my siblings. I don't feel like I am ready for him to become old, frail and die. I wanted him to be around when I graduate my PHD before I turn 35. I wanted him to be able to die at 90+, having met great-grandkids, seen us settled, (maybe married, though not me obvs haha), happy and in our mid to late 30s, not potentially die before my youngest sister reaches 20.
I flip-flop between these emotions frequently and while anger or feeling nothing is kind of the vibe the majority of the time, I do have moments where I catch myself feeling broken and angry and hurt and scared all at the same time. Mostly because I don't know how to help anyone and can't. I wish I could wave a wand and fix the issues between my grandfather and my family and know that when he does die, he will die having made amends with everyone and knowing that everyone and everything is ok but that's out of my hands. All I can do, is try my best to process this in real time, sit with things and allow myself to feel whatever I need to feel. I have to carry on with life and not let this break me or my family and if stopping my family from breaking involves storming down to wherever my grandfather lives and physically dragging him up here to apologise to people, I will do it.
But for now, it's dissertation writing, therapy and preparing to take SELCS down in a blaze of fire and formal complaints. I'm fine, my close family are safe, healthy and ok, so at the moment life in my household, while chaos personified, is at least feeling stable.
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