Date: 27th November 2022
I reached a point last week where I genuinely questioned if I could handle my life. I didn't want to die. In fact quite the opposite. I wanted to live but something needed to give in order for me to be safely able to do that and not completely burn out. Something stressful had to go but there seemed no way out. Nothing was able to budge because all the things stressing me out were either out of my control (like court cases) or important to have on ones plate (like moving closer to uni). That day it felt like everything had come at me all at once and like the weight of the entire universe (and the stress that comes with solely lifting the universe) was resting on my shoulders. I felt like I was drowning in the stress and isolation and like I truly had nobody to turn to. It was really scary and took me back to the last time I reached this point. 2020. The only major difference between 2020 and this time, was the fact I knew life was worth the fight and the intense moments of stress would eventually go. And that I knew I could get through this rocky patch, if I could just calm down and centre myself again.
But it's hard to do that when you have a thousand things all yelling at you to do them. Or a thousand things all demanding your time and attention to either heal from or process but you have no time to give. Your time is already taken by trauma or anxiety or navigating new boundaries with new tutors and the triggers that come along with said navigation. So instead of centring myself as I had hoped, I fretted over whether I could handle the stress. Whether I would collapse under the incredible amount of pressure and the one too many expectations of me people had. I believed my world was caving in, that I'd finally been destroyed or at least, was just about to be destroyed. I thought that maybe, just maybe, the tutors who scorned me before, who told me I was weak, I was never going to get anywhere and was too much to handle, were right and had eventually worn me down to a point where they truly won. And then I got an email. From my uni, telling me of more student rep training I had to attend. Informing me I was every course rep title under the sun (and more) and pressuring me into attending meetings and training sessions I was reluctant to attend. And it became too much.
The mere thought of dealing with uni assessment I was (and still very much am) struggling to understand what I was meant to do to complete said assessment and how best to proceed with whatever the fuck a Rapid Evidence Review should look like and my stress of failing that was too much. I'd spent the morning believing I was stupid for not getting the assessment and knew I would have to work extra hard to get myself to a point where I could do this damn thing on time. And all it took was one little email from UCL to make my entire world seem too much to handle.
I already had trauma knocking at my door and was desperately trying to keep what little control I could have over my reactions. I was already trying to process that trauma and learn to forgive myself, love myself and heal from it. I already had the stress of financial issues and no clear way of getting any money to solve them. I already had the stress of a court case and the lack of support from the police, the lack of clarity and the uncertainty of how much uni I'm going to miss come the new year. I already had the stress of having no job and no possibility of getting one either. I already had the stress of navigating boundaries with new tutors and worrying I will fail. Again. I already had the stress of commuting nearly 2 hours to uni there and back. I was exhausted. I am exhausted. And then I was handed more pressure, more stress from them, telling me there's extra training, that I'm every rep title under the sun, with no explanation as to where I got those titles or WHY i got handed them with no prior warning and I got told there were meetings and training sessions I was needing to attend. I felt like I'd failed, like there was too much stress, too much to think about, too many things that all needed time I no longer had. And I finally broke. I shattered. I felt unsafe, scared and genuinely unsure who to turn to. And I wished with all my heart that I could crawl into bed, put my heated blanket on and just sleep. Close my eyes to the world and sleep for a while.
I think it's a wonder and a testament to myself and how strong I am, that I didn't break sooner. With everything that was going on in my life, is it really any wonder I broke under all that pressure? That I cried, broke down, had a stress induced panic attack. That I felt unsafe, dissociated and wondered where the strong version of me had gone? Is it any wonder that I felt completely alone with nobody to turn to and no clue who I could turn to if anyone was even there. After all, I am hardly used to having people who one would typically turn to (tutors, friends, maybe even your parents) stick around. I'm used to going through things like this alone and I wasn't even sure if I did reach out to one of my tutors or someone at my uni or my friend Molly or my parents, if anyone would have the time and emotional capacity to help me. As everyone I know, is also going through a stressful time at the moment.
I don't think it's any wonder that the after affects of that breakdown have coloured my vision with distress, anxiety and panic. And that when I woke up on Friday, I asked for help from a tutor. I was brave. But now, I am wondering why I messaged her, because what if I overstepped/offloaded/have annoyed her/she wasn't the right person to go to. I am wondering why i posted that, tweeted this, fell apart in front of my friends and so on. As a result of what happened last week, I'm so stressed and scared to walk into uni on Tuesday and pretend all is okay. I'm terrified to put up the mask and waste precious energy trying to be upbeat, because people will likely see through it and ask how I am and I will then have no ability to say "I'm fine" because the words will just tumble out of my mouth and I'll lose my shaky hold on the wall of sanity again.
Instead of uni, all i want to do, is curl up in bed with hot chocolate, a dog (or two) to fuss and a really good book and forget about reality for a just that little while longer. But life doesn't allow for that. So I must find a way to get up, carry on and act like last week was fine. Or maybe I don't act and am honest and say life is a bit shite at the moment and try to go with the unknown-ness of the mythical "flow"? I just want to make it INTO uni come Tuesday and that will be a win for me! Lets see how it goes... And take it one step at a time.
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