Date: 10th Feb 2023.
Hello lovely reader, I do hope whoever is reading this is having a better week than I currently am - wouldn't take much to be honest.
There's a lot about me you don't know and won't for the safety of being on the internet and my own sanity. There is simply some information about me and my past that is not safe to put publicly online. But one thing you will always know is my truth, my own lived experience of the world and my reflections on this. This little space on the interweb is my safe zone, my space to exist where I am just me. No masking. No pretence. No filter. Just my autistically authentic self. So existing in this space is what I am going to do this evening because I need to.
These last two weeks have been incredibly tough and have thrown up a lot of prior trauma and long buried memories/feelings of abandonment/fear. Last week I was in court for a sexual assault case for a very ex friend of mine who I no longer speak to (I will talk about this and unpick it at a later date). This case was really stressful and I got thrown a lot of stuff to handle but I got through it thanks to my incredible friends, family, tutors and general support system. I thought that was the worst of it and life would pick back up to normal, I would be able to process and deal with various losses and have time to recover.
But this week we received news that broke us in two. I'm not sure how much I can say online as I don't wish to out anyone involved but UCL is an inhumane institution that has essentially torn my MASc family apart with its recent actions. So I'm left looking at a future that is bleak and terrifyingly sparse with support and people who understand me within the uni. And with my history of abuse within educational settings, the news half my support system might vanish before I graduate has shaken my very being to the core and left me feeling incredibly vulnerable, scared, anxious and alone. And powerless because there is next to nothing I can do to stop the inevitable happening.
All of this has exhausted me, depleted my emotional strength and capability and left me just feeling numb, tired and broken. I have no desire to do anything. I don't care about classes or essays or assignments, all I care about is making sure this support does not get taken away. I can think about nothing else because my sanity and ability to cope depends on this support staying. I was inconsolable for over an hour when the news broke and felt an immeasurable amount of grief and sadness that resulted in some memories from my past resurfacing. Can't remember what they are because they've gone again but whatever it was shook me up. It makes me want to run and hide and withdraw from everyone I know because the pain is too much to handle.
I was also hit with the firey urge to self harm again, to release this pent up anxiety and stress in a way I know works. It was so strong it scared me. Nothing happened but the little taunting voice in my head has come back to say hello and I'm worried if things don't settle soon... well that I might slip, fuck my 2 years of not self harming up and have to climb the long ladder to recovery all over again. And I don't want to do that but admitting the desire came back feels like I am admitting weakness and I can't be vulnerable and weak at the moment, it's simply too much to handle. So I will fight this little battle alone and win again. I know I will do, but it'll take some time before that little nagging voice in the back of my head simmers down to a volume I can deal with again.
I just wish there was something more I could do to help those I care about but I know I cannot take on everything, try as I might. So I'll wamble on and simply do my best and hope that if I shout loud enough with my fellow peers, we might stop the inevitable from happening and save our course.
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