Date: 21st March 2023
So I do love how my uni gives me a mentor because they threw a hissy fit over a genuine mistake Luna and I made JOINTLY on my SoRA. Basically in short we put her down as a wellbeing support/contact and were both fine with this. But 3 months down the line, uni very much isn't. No harm was done, she's fine, I'm sort of fine. I mean I would be ok if it wasn't for the fact UCL heavily implied with their student wellbeing team that I have been EMOTIONALLY ABUSING Luna because of this joint mistake!!! I'm sorry WHAT THE FUCK UCL? Not impressed, neither are my tutors, they both repeatedly said that should never have happened, I did nothing wrong and should not have been punished for a genuine mistake that hurt nobody. I didn't even overstep a boundary with Luna during this 3 month period. Like ugh! - the wellbeing team still haven't apologised, I gave them informal feedback and guess who the uni pinned it back on? Ooooooh yeah baby! Me! Recurring theme much with unis?
But to 'give me support' UCL lobs an academic mentor my way to help me with my uni work... ah yessssss, everyone knows that I *desperately* struggle with being organised and researching/geeking out over things... like that's not what I have ever struggled with in academic settings. I love to be researching things. I'm the sort of person who literally writes essays for FUN. So utterly fantastic job listening to me there UCL but you're trying, I'll play ball. Maybe this mentor will be like the one I had at Central, who was an angel of a human being. She was so kind, so supportive, so utterly down to earth and got me and how I functioned. She had a background of counselling and went out of her way to support my emotional needs because she knew full well the academic work was not what was causing me stress. It was the anxiety, trauma (and later on) abuse from tutors. This woman is the reason I am as stable as I am today. Her and my therapist pulled me through some dark times and Lilly (mentor in question) was my friend, ally and overall amazing support wing woman. I loved working with her. And was hopeful this other uni mentor from UCL might be somewhat ok. So long as they were vaguely human, didn't pressure me to open up quickly and listened, I would have been ok with whoever.
So said UCL mentor ends up being an ableist so-and-so who goes on a 10 minute rant when I say I'm autistic (and thus don't have a normal experience of the world but happily cope as best I can). Apparently I am not permitted to refer to myself as "not normal" because that's bad and not ok... And this shocked me. That's literally what the word "neurodivergent" means! Different brain. NOT NORMAL. And I said it in a super positive, I'm really proud of who I am but know I struggle with things other people find easy, type way. And frankly even if I was being 'nasty' about myself, that's still my personal view on the world. I might not agree with someone saying they "suffer with anxiety" because I personally don't like using the word "suffer" to describe things I live with. But I would NEVER try to correct someone's language about themselves. If that's how they are comfortable referring to themselves and it doesn't hurt you or someone else, leave them be.
I've not really come across much open ableism before. Sure, had between the lines ableism that took me far too long to pick up on but never had someone be so openly like "that's wrong, your view of the world and the way you talk about yourself is wrong, conform to the norm" before. And it shook me a little. It made me realise I've been incredibly fortunate with Jack and Luna both being so super supportive with my neurodivergence and never once making me feel less than or like I need to be a certain way or conform to expectations. But I can safely say now that ableism in any form, fucking sucks.
So my 'safe space' ended up being an oppressive, reductive, ableist space. Nice one UCL, perfect result there... honestly
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