Date: 3rd March 2023
Well if life has taught me one thing dear reader, it is that when you least expect it, things fall into place. I've just started down a trauma processing therapy technique with my therapist called EMDR (eye movement, desensitisation and reprocessing) and gees has it made me realise some rather big things. I won't unpick them all because some are still new and raw but I'll happily unpack the good things I have realised in the last few days :)
So buckle up, we are in for a ride!
So the hugest biggest thing my therapist made me realise is that my two main tutors (Luna and Jack) here at UCL are literally rewiring my brains narrative around tutors!! Let me explain what he meant by that, because it took me a while to understand but it made me really excited!
So for those who haven't read the other long rambles about me in other posts, some background is important. I have 18 years of educational trauma (I'm 22 for reference). I'm used to feeling scared of tutors and have a pattern of being punished/abused/belittled when I make a mistake/overstep a boundary. I also have severe anxiety of abandonment/not being enough as I am/being too much. This anxiety is a combo of things my mother taught me (no hate to her, she's a wonderful person) and tutors at other educational places have taught me. I have insecure and anxiety based attachments to both my parents and have done from a very young age and I'm always very fearful of not being enough for them. This then extends to anyone who I look up to.
Not every tutor has been an abusive butthole to me - my diss tutor Harry from Central is an angel and also made me feel so safe and grounded (Luna reminds me of him actually). But there is a pattern with tutors in my life I've come to expect as default, which is sad cos I legitimately expect to be hurt and let down by people who should be there to help. So I rock up to UCL after 3 years of abuse from RCSSD as a whole (minus Harry!). I make a "mistake" 4 weeks into the course (someone catches me mid panic attack). I expect to be scolded for leaving class/not being strong enough. But instead BOTH tutors come sit with me - on the cold, uncomfortable floor I add - and they offer their help and STAY. They offer me tea, water, food and more. They tell me I am safe, ask if I want to talk, say they are there for me and want to help. I'm unsure. But I take a risk, I open up and I tell them information they *could* use against me - I do this via email after things have calmed down but I still panic. And again, instead of the feared abuse, I get thanked!!? I get told I'm enough and informed by two people that they are here and understand and that the info will never be used to hurt me. They tell me my past wasn't ok and I was let down by prior tutors.
They openly show they care. So my fears lessen a little. I ask for help from them both and am never told I'm stupid or should know better. I'm instead told it's ok, the assessment is different and struggling with it is totally fine. They take time to know me. To understand where I come from. They remember my arts in health background. They respect my boundaries and celebrate these with me. They keep remembering how I like to communicate and go out of their way to ensure I feel safe, even asking me directly if doing something is alright/not.
And when I do mess up, they never belittle me, never threaten me or seek to hurt me. They're both calm, kind and keep stating it's ok. They keep reassuring me and encourage open lines of communication. They let me check in if I am worried and are always honest. They're reliable. They keep repeatedly going against my own internalised expectations of tutors. They go against the grain of everything my life has led me to believe a tutor "should be". And they are stable. They're reliable in their reactions. And I start to feel safe.
I open up more, I start to be my authentic self. And my tutors celebrate this. They watch me make things in the back of class and want to know what I'm making, not why I appear to be not paying attention. They then name my crocheted creations.
On top of naming things I made and celebrating my creations with me, both my tutors offer me comfort even when they're in pieces too. They stay open and never pretend they're fine when they're not. They become humans with lives outside of uni. They respect my needs and encourage me to be honest about them with other people. And when I get scared, they don't push me to talk, they wait for me to come to them and recognise my fears about them may not be correct but are based in trauma and need to be respected. They're literally teaching me what stability, trust and safe relationships in education should look/feel like. Don't know how I hadn't clocked this before because I'm doing things that would have caused a severe panic attack a year ago, with ease with these 2 people.
And with every reaction, response, offer of help/support, they've literally been teaching my brain that safety and reliability and boundaries are ok. Not every tutor needs to be feared. And that I don't need to hide parts of myself. I hadn't realised just how comfortable I was with them till my therapist noted I don't have panic attacks over asking for help. And have been stating my needs in ways I have never done before.
I literally cried when I realised the priceless lessons these two amazing people are teaching me. They have done what few people have managed to do in years in 6 MONTHS! I will never be able to repay them both for what they have done and I'm so grateful they are able to do this by simply being their wonderful selves.
The other big thing I realised is I am not actually scared of tutors. I know I've always said I am but until I started this new therapy, I didn't know that my "fear" was actually a severe fear of not being enough. I took the abuse from other tutors because I firmly believed having someone shit in my life, who was sometimes nice, was better than being alone. This is again, borne from my upbringing and the instability moving lots bought, as well as several things my mother did to me growing up (nothing scary, just not willing to share). Of course once I realised the abuse was abuse and not just me "misreading" someone, my world fell apart and I was then scared of the reactions I was potentially going to get from tutors. But my driving force very much used to be fear of abandonment and fear of being alone.
Jack and Luna are both helping me realise I am enough as I am - in case they weren't already teaching me enough! But also my MASc family are helping me to learn the same thing. I wanted so desperately when I did my BA at RCSSD to find my "people" but I never did. I found two people who I cherish (Molly and Immie (real names as I know they won't mind) but my year group was so competitive and harsh that feeling like I found a community of people was impossible. My MASc family are the total opposite. While not everyone is my person, my cup of tea etc, we all genuinely care about each other. We support each other and have a vested interest in each others wellbeing. We look out for vulnerable people on the course and band together in times of hardship. And being surrounded by people like that, who build each other up and see the best in people and actively help each other, it's hard to not feel safe, happy and enough. I've realised in the last week I can choose my family, they do not have to be related to me by blood and my chosen family includes my MASc friends and those from my BA. And I hope when I am no longer a student under Luna and Jack, this chosen family might extend to include them as well. Unofficially they are already on my list of "people I will protect and care about deeply" but obviously being friends with tutors is not ok and breaches my own boundaries (and probably theirs as well). But who knows, maybe we will be friends after I graduate, I certainly do not want to lose contact with either of them. In fact I don't want to lose contact with the majority of my tutors on the course, they are all super sweet nice humans.
Those two realisations have happened in the last 2 weeks and I'm already feeling so much calmer and safer just knowing that is the truth for me. I look back at how far I have come from the 16 year old version of me who thought her life was not worth living and realise that people come into my life for a reason, even if that is to teach me how strong I am and that I can survive things I wouldn't have dreamed of. I feel like this is a turning point for me and I have never been this hopeful for the future in my life. I can see a future free of the things that have haunted me since a young age! And hope my friends, is a powerful thing.
My dream of a PhD suddenly feels doable as well. I'm no longer quite so terrified tutors will hurt me and each time I interact with my tutors here, that fear reduces a little bit more.
Therapy is literally the best thing I have ever done with my life and it's nothing to be ashamed of. I am proud of how far I have come and how much I have learned about myself and my way of seeing the world. It will make for happier, healthier relationships in the future!
That's all for now, I will update this soon
B xx
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