Date: 5th Nov 2022
It's 5 years and 2 months to the day that I started on a college course that would change my world view, change the structure of my brain and my thought pattern, forever. There are so many things I would say to the 16 year old version of me, who is trapped in my worst nightmare for the next 2 years, until she finally breaks free. Her life for the next two years will almost break her, it will destroy things she used to pride herself on, make her feel completely hopeless and reinforce the niggling feeling in her head that she is not human. I wish I could turn back time and change it all for her, make it all better but I can't. So, I wrote her a letter. A letter I wish she could have read because I know before she even turns 17 in a few months, she will need this letter and the hope it holds. So here is my letter to 16 year old Elizabeth Woolley.
Little me, I can't believe it's been only 2 months since you started at your new college back on the 5th September 2017, on a course that will forever alter your perception of the world. How I wish I could scoop you up in my arms, hold you close and tell you all will be ok. That the terror you are living through for the next two years, will not define you forever and that one day, you too will be free. I wish I could tell you how sorry I am you had to suffer for us both, that you had to suffer alone and survive through things nobody should have to deal with from their tutors, in order for us to end up where we are today. I wish I had listened to you when you said to run, that I had listened to the part of you that knew something was wrong with the course you are currently on. Because I failed to listen, we lost out on the chance to escape the damage Sara and the rest of the Performing Arts team at Coleg Sir Gar would inflict on your naïve soul. But little me, despite how hard it is, you have to fight Sara. Fight her tooth and nail. Your life will be no better if you let her convince you that death is the only way out of the torment raging in your head. Death is not the answer. I know that will be hard to hear in the future, I know how badly you wanted to take that leap, but keep fighting. Your life will not be easy sailing from now until you reach me in 2022. But it's so worth the wait little me.
Right here, right now as I write this to you, life is hard but it's brimming with hope, joy and compassion. We have friends all around us. Amazing, incredible friends who see us for who we are. Friends who love us, who care for us, who want us to be in their lives for the longest possible time. We're surrounded by people who care. We are not alone. I know right now where you are, that you're starting to believe being a geek, asking questions and being passionate are bad things but not here in the future. We are the biggest nerd in the future, learning about how to use the arts to help people like us. And we have our own organisation that is slowly taking flight! We're doing things we never even dreamed of. We're going to be public speaking next week - that's a thing we can do now! That's how much our confidence has grown. We're asking questions in class again, drinking coffee without feeling guilty and thriving as best we can. We've got a small library of arts in health books (yes arts in health! that's a thing and man you will love it in the future!) and we're happy. Genuinely happy. I promise you that. It takes 5 years but we've found our strength, our voice and our happiness. Despite Sara (and a new tutor who has joined our list of people who have hurt us), here at UCL in 2022, things with tutors are looking brighter. The tutors here are scary, sure - I mean, they helped set up arts in health in the UK, I think most people would find being in a room with them daunting! They are incredible, knowledgeable people. They all have a number of hobbies I cannot even start to count. They have published books and reports that are the foundation of arts in health in the UK. They do work that changes peoples lives for the better. And I know why that makes them scary for you, I genuinely do. They're nice and kind and you're not used to that not coming with a price. But they seem to genuinely care little me. They want us to have a voice, have a say and make a change in the world. They believe in us. And they make us laugh and feel just that little bit more safe. Something not many tutors have had the privilege of achieving since 2018. One even has colourful hair like us, which just makes me smile!
Your fear of singing, theatres, Starbucks, costa coffees, acting and more will all be gone by 2022. We write songs now, songs we share with people (some of the tutors at UCL have even seen them online and made us want to hide with their lovely, heart warming complements). We've spent the last 2 years learning about different ways of being in a theatre and are slowly starting to learn how to love theatrical settings again. In a little over a year from where you are now in 2017, you'll direct a show. And that show will be the thing that carries you through the darkest of times. It will bring you so much joy, so much light and so many incredible memories with an age old family friend, who is still an important part of our life today. You'll get to work with Frantic Assembly in 2018 and the RSC in 2019 as well. You'll be part of TWO National Youth Theatres of Wales, one in 2018 and one in 2019 and meet some people there who will change your life in ways you cannot imagine. You will go to one of the best (at least best at the time of applying) drama schools in the UK and walk out of there a changed woman who has a first class degree and feels incredibly proud of that achievement. We fought for that grade. You'll be in pantos, in award winning theatre shows at The Attic Theatre that make you smile, that make you remember what it feels like to be alive, to be present and to feel completely human. And most importantly, you will learn to love every. single. part of yourself. You'll learn to be ok with not being perfect, you'll learn to love your flaws and find humour in the things you struggle with. You'll even be brave enough to volunteer to be class rep for the 2022/23 MASc Full Timers, a role where you have to interact with tutors a lot, be there for your class and attend big, scary, formal meetings. You will even learn how to be you and that being you and only you, is more than enough for the entire world. That being you, being true and honest is freeing and that you don't have to pretend to be what someone else wants, in order to find friends. You'll learn that speaking up, shouting out and taking up space in rooms, is not a bad thing, it still makes you nervous but you do it anyway.
You're going to learn so very much and I wish I could whisk you away from the trauma that is already in your life and keep you safe but I can't. All I can do is try to help us heal now, to help us continue to thrive now and keep us as safe as I can. And I promise you, I will do that until the day that I die. I failed to protect you before and that will never, EVER happen again. Even when things get tough, scary and frightening, I will hold you close, sing to you softly and tell you all will be ok. I am here and you know I will never run. I will never abandon you again, I will always stay even if everyone else in our life runs the other way, you will still have me.
So, my darling, perfect as you are, nerdy 16 year old me, in the two years ahead of you at this college, keep fighting for your future. Like I will keep fighting for us here to have a bright future brimming with hope and to ensure that nobody has to go through what you're going through, ever again. So, do what you need to survive. I will help us pick up the pieces in the future. You are so strong little me, my little shadow, never change. You are enough as you are.
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