6 years on

Date 26th May 2023

There's not many times I truly stop and appreciate just how far I have come since 2017. And honestly if you had told me back then I would be where I am today, I would have likely laughed. I never thought it would be possible for me to have a sturdy group of reliable friends, who like me for who I am. But yet, 6 years on, here I am.

I have so many incredible friends in my life. Friends who make me laugh till my sides hurt. Friends who have caught me when my world fell apart. Friends who have stood by my side through thick and thin. And I genuinely believe these friendships will last the test of time as well. Why? Because I slowed down and allowed things to evolve at their own pace.

Let me explain! I grew up with a lot of uncertainty. I moved around a lot. And I was SO incredibly shy. I was also home educated. Something I am really grateful my parents did for me because I believe it saved my mental health but it also put me at more of a disadvantage because I never really had the chance to explore relationships with people my own age until I reached 16 and entered the mess of college.

I had about 6 friends between the ages of 6 and 16 and none really lasted very long. I either moved away from them or they left me in favour of someone else. I have 2 friends from when I was very young that I am still vaguely in contact with but despite being age old friends, they weren't around much (because I moved away from them both at the age of 5 and 7 respectively).

From 7 onwards my friendships were super rare and shaky. I moved to Cornwall at the age of about 8 and I had a weird friendship with a girl 6 years older than me during most of my time there. I had two other friends while in Cornwall as well. And that was it. For the 4 years I was there in Cornwall, these girls were my entire world. And then I moved away to Wales and lost contact with 2 of them. I was so resistant to that idea and threatened to run away from home (or so I am told by my parents).

I spent the first 6 months or so in Wales very much alone. As I mentioned I was cripplingly shy and still very much am today, I've just learned ways to cope better. While my siblings were out forging friendships and being brave, I clung to my mothers side, terrified of meeting new people. But I did eventually find another girl my age called Isobel and we very quickly became firm friends. We did EVERYTHING together. Both went to the same drama club, performed in the same shows. We both then went to YAS together for a year once we turned 14. I poured my heart and soul out to this girl and

she also became my entire world. Mainly because there was nobody else my age in our home ed circles. But I got to about 15 and something changed. I still to this day do not know what but she went from being friends with me, to cutting me out her life completely. She told me it was because I had feelings for her older brother Finn - i don't know where she got that idea from, Finn and I hardly spoke! We fought a lot. I vividly remember her screaming and swearing at me in a public train station when I dared to try and fix our friendship and figure out what went wrong and try to make it better.

So things fell apart with her and my heart shattered because while everyone else in my family had a large group of friends, Isobel was my only friend and I was back to being alone again. Something I very much didn't want. Another shaky friendship then formed between another young girl Rachel and I. But that ended 6 months later when I started college and she found a boyfriend. So I entered the college environment with no friends and found Sara and we all know how that relationship went...

I was so utterly broken and hurt when things fell apart with Sara that I think I just gave up. She broke so many promises - like staying in touch and a thousand other things as well - and within the first few months of me arriving at Central, I found a small group of friends. I also latched onto two tutors at Central - neither of whom I am in contact with. One was Claudine, the other was her rumoured nemesis at Central, Hannah. Hannah was nice to me once and I immediately spilled everything that had happened to me in my past to her. In an email. And strangely, she didn't really appreciate that. Then COVID happened and I lost contact with pretty much my entire year group. James and his friends who I moved in with in late 2020 were my only support system and when my suicide attempts destroyed those relationships, I was once again left with nobody.

And thus enters the turbulent year with Claudine. She swept in and saved me from being lonely but also became my entire world because I had nobody else.

But once things with her ended, I realised I needed to change my approach to friendships and my own internal boundaries around what I needed to share and what wasn't important to me anymore. And I think this decision was the reason my friendships are stable. Because I didn't rush into anything. I didn't make a single person my entire world. I branched out and found commonalities with most of my year group. We all bonded over issues with UCL being crap towards Luna earlier this year. And pulled together. They know a lot about me but it was very much a gradual thing. I stayed true to myself and never pretended to be who I thought my friends would want to hang out with and as a result, my group of friends, are friends with me. The true me. They've seen me in some incredibly vulnerable moments and vice versa. We support each other and our lives don't revolve around uni. Sure we see each other in classes and help each other with assessments etc but we also go out crazy golfing or to music festivals or for picnics, walks and explorations.

So I guess if there's one thing for me to take away from the last 6 years, is that being true to myself, honest and not rushing relationships, is the way to go with things. Sure, having the knowledge I am enough as I am, has helped but I really truly think me running at the first person who was nice to me, never really helped a relationship last

I love my friends and if any of them ever stumble across this corner of the internet, know I love you all for who you are and thank you so much for making me laugh! Thank you for loving me for who I am and letting me figure out who I am alongside you all. Long may our friendships last!!

And yes, all the photos in this post are of my awesome group of friends on this MASc course! I cannot believe I have so many awesome people in my life and I am genuinely so excited to see where these friendships go in the future.