Date 30th April
So I started yesterday off stupidly happy and ended up with my trauma and anxiety convincing me to run from my friends (and Luna) cos I got overwhelmed, dissociated as a result of being in sensory overload and then badly triggered myself... Was not ideal and I'm still trying to make sense of what exactly happened and whether I can convince my brain 24 hours on, that all hope has not been lost but I for sure lost a battle in my head yesterday, which wound up with my balling my eyes out in a public train station... alone... again...
For context, there's me and my 2 friends (Ellana and Fran) and our tutor Luna at this festival as a group together. It's not uni related. It was really chill and relaxed but the festival was rather busy. I can't be bothered to keep typing out names, so will just refer to this group of people as my friend group (even though Luna and I are not friends as we're comfortably tutor/student relationship level until I graduate and then we will see what happens should we stay in touch). Anyway, Ellana and Fran have some of their own friends with them but for the sake of this blog, my little safe group consists of my two awesome friends and my incredible tutor (who is not in a tutor role for this trip). That seems as clear as muddy water!
So with that done, I'm gonna unpick and unpack this day - specifically focusing on the lead up to and breakdown of my sense of sanity - to see what can be learned from this. I know that until my brain threw itself into a trauma hole over a loud live music set and a bunch of trauma triggers afterwards, I was having a beautiful day in the sun. I was laughing, enjoying talking to my friends and felt confident and comfortable. I'm not the best with background noise and holding a conversation, so I was already battling with that, which takes a lot of energy but I was managing and having a blast in spite of said struggle. I went on a merry-go-round with my friends, ate lunch in the sun with them and wandered around the MOST beautiful town (Rochester), enjoying this really cute free music festival. It was honestly a mood and had the making of a perfect day and I think if I had listened to my needs better, things wouldn't have ended quite so badly...
The lead up to the event was normal. There was nothing odd going on in my head. We toured a friggin awesome castle just before and I was like a little giddy kid as castles remind me of Wales and adventures with my family.
Luna is an archaeologist by trade and touring a castle ruin with her, was honestly a dream come true. She was able to point out a bunch of really interesting things I know I'd have missed and had a lot of insight into the structure and function of spaces within the castle. And it was lovely to see her in her element and hear more of her practice before she came to teach on the MASc. She's done some amazing things and just like Jack, has kept them all quiet!! We left the castle and wambled down to a stage that had been set up in the castle grounds, to listen to some live music. And honestly, it was bliss! Sunshine, blue skies and the perfect temperature (though today my nose is a little bit red, so guessing I must have caught the sun a touch, oops!). The first band were incredible, an all female seashanty acapella band and I can now officially say I have heard my friends (and Luna) sing (and them me). Was so much fun. The second band was a lot louder, still really good but they had bassy instruments and it was significantly louder than the first set.
It wasn't until I left the noisy mosh pit near the front of the stage to go pee, that I was hit with the realisation I was emotionally heading towards something, but I wasn't 100% sure what. After all, my interoception is trash and I'm not really very good at picking up on emotions and feelings in my body until they basically smack me in the face with a wet kipper. So I peed and headed back to my friends and within 3 minutes of arriving back into the noise and chaos, I realised with a sinking feeling, that what I'd picked up on a few minutes earlier, was sensory overload.
Now here's where I made my first mistake. Once I picked up on this knowledge I was heading towards (if not already in) sensory overload, I should have left for somewhere quieter. Because that was what my body and brain needed at that time. It needed somewhere quiet (or at least quieter) to decompress. But I thought I could push through it, after all the band were only playing until around 5.30/6 and it was around 5.15 at this time. It wasn't that long and I didn't want to leave my safe people behind for a quieter place, in case something else happened. And I REALLY didn't want to put my friends in a position where I asked one of them to come with me to somewhere quieter, because I could see they were having a lovely time together. So I chose to stay with them, knowing full well I was taking a risk. But my anxiety around being a burden on people or getting lost or even at this point, navigating through the crowds of people (this band was super popular), was really heightened and I was very aware of this. I thought my sensory overload would be less severe than my risk of a panic attack or dissociative episode if I got lost or had to fight through a crowd of people. I was basically choosing between two scary situations and I chose the one I thought would be over quicker and lead to less stress in the long run. But I was wrong.
Not even 5 minutes later from this choice being made, I'm pulled from my head by Luna of all people, asking me if I wanted to sit down. Apparently I stopped looking like I was having fun... I realised what had happened, that I had dissociated and worried my friends and the shame crashed over me. The immense feeling of being a burden was lifted onto my shoulders and I wanted to do nothing else other than cry. My friends had done nothing wrong, they were in fact, being so lovely and kind and supportive but my age old insecurity of being a burden and being different, got the better of me in that moment. And to be honest, I don't think it fully left for the rest of the day. I was also hit with jealousy as I sat down, watching my friends carry on enjoying themselves, doing the things that I struggled with on a daily basis, seemingly with ease. I felt so angry at myself for feeling this way because I felt like I should be proud of being different. But it's not always the case, sometimes I wish I was "normal" and didn't have to do all the extra things I do on a daily basis and that's ok.
And it's at this time where I made probably the biggest mistake of the day. When she pulled me from my dissociation to ask if I was ok, Luna had also offered to go find somewhere quieter with me (or at least I think that's what she said, the music was so loud and I was very dissociated, so I was basically lip reading at that point). And I knew deep down I should have said yes to this offer, that I wanted to go hide somewhere and calm down. But I could see how much fun she was having with her friends who she'd not seen in a while and I didn't want her tutor instinct to prevent her from having fun like everyone else was doing. After all, this was not a uni trip, she was off duty. So I stupidly declined. And spiralled very quickly into a shame, anger and sensory overload fuelled panic attack (which I think I can say nobody picked up on). I got so lost in my head after it dissipated and felt so small and stupid and worthless in that moment. I felt worse when Ellana took me with her to go grab some food. She's a qualified Mental Health First Aider (like me!) and despite knowing this, I still felt horrific as she clearly had picked up on the fact I wasn't ok. I also went mute for the first time in my life too, which was really weird. I was just so drained and tired, it was like someone had pressed pause on my speaking ability. So I nodded or shook my head and was very thankful for my sunglasses, as they allowed me to avoid eye contact and shelter myself a little, as I was feeling incredibly vulnerable and scared at this point. I also triggered myself spotting objects and figures that reminded me of my abusers and this was mostly because I was still very dissociated and I know my brain goes into overdrive and spots things that are linked to abusers when it comes out of a dissociative episode. And it did. It found many. So I'm now fighting sensory overload, trauma triggers and the feeling of guilt/being a burden. But hey! Have sunglasses to hide behind, so all is well?
At some point the band ends and Luna, her friends and Fran join us again. From recollection I think Luna tries to talk to me or check in (which increased my feeling of shame as I felt like I was tearing her away from her friends and intruding; a feeling which is important to remember as it crops up a few hours later with her). And to my relief, we go somewhere quieter as a group. Back down the main high street and my brain suddenly can speak again! The second the noise and crowds go, it's like my brain kicked back into gear and went "ok, we can do this, we're ok now!". We saw a third band in a little beer tent and I relaxed back into pre-sensory overload me, by the end of their set. I get introduced to some of Ellanas friends and her boyfriend, who are all very lovely and as Fran leaves with her friend, Ellana, her friends, Luna and I, head off to go find somewhere to sit and maybe grab some food. Lunas friends have gone to see something else and eventually she heads off to find them as well. And then it's Ellana, her 3 friends and I and it's really nice. We're vibing and chatting and talking about master courses and uni and life and I'm happy.
We go to see the final band of the day, knowing Luna is likely to be around. I spot that she's dropped us a teams message to alert us of her location, so in that the main beer tent is a little too intense for my liking, I head off to find her. Alone. This is the first time I've been alone all day (bar when I was peeing). And it's kind of nice but also a bit scary. I spot Luna and her 3 friends in a quieter area and head for them and here's where I make my third and final mistake of the day. I forget that I'm her student, that she has a life of her own and I beeline for her group. And realise within seconds of me arriving, I've barged in on something important as they all stare at me. So I ask if they want me to go and they do, so I go. Remember that nasty feeling of intrusion I had earlier? Yep, it comes back to bite me in the ass.
I suddenly want to cry and apologise and it all becomes too much again, so I run. I say goodbye to Ellana and her friends and leave for the train station, alone, biting back tears because I thought I'd fucked things up and been too much. I felt like I'd been so rude and so stupid because how do I forget AGAIN that tutors are not my friends and I can't just follow them around like a shadow, even if they make me feel safe? To make things even better, the trains back to London are also late. So I'm sat in a station looking at the time ticking by realising that if I'm not careful, the very people I've run from, will be getting the same train back as me. Then Luna messages me on teams saying they are sorry they didnt get to say goodbye and I suddenly feel stupid and more rude because I should have at least waited to say goodbye to her, it's the polite thing to do. And my brain just goes off down a little rabbit hole of panic, fear and digs itself into its own grave. It didn't matter that the entire rest of the day before 5pm was incredible. Because in that moment, alone in a train station, all I could think about and feel were the moments I wasnt ok. All I could see was me barging into that conversation and realising I'm not wanted. And me struggling to hold a conversation in loud, overwhelming environments. And me sitting in a field in the sun, wondering why I hadn't left a situation sooner or why it took Luna pointing out I wasn't having fun at 5pm and wondered if I wanted to sit, for me to register I was mid sensory overload but had nowhere to escape to that was quiet. And then forcing myself to sit there, experiencing my first proper panic attack in a while because I didn't want my friends to worry or feel like they needed to come with me. I wanted them to have fun and not have to ponder over whether I was ok. It just felt too much to handle and tears of frustration at failing to keep the day good and tears of rage and pain and mistrust, just fell.
I felt so angry at myself for I pushed myself too far, too fast and didn't listen to my body for fear of fucking things up with my friends. And i should have known better. I felt so stupid and insignificant and like I had ruined not only my entire day but friends as well. I knew that wasn't true but my brain was so hyper-focused on what I screwed up, it couldnt see the 4 million little wins we had yesterday. I felt frustrated at those in my past who taught me this way of being was ok and that ignoring my needs for the sake of others was the only thing to do. And I raged, I screamed at those who hurt me in my past, who handed me these random trauma triggers that pop up out of the blue. But most of all, I sat there feeling heart-broken and alone. So alone. Like there was nobody else in the world who got how it felt to be different and to struggle through things because you want to have fun and want to have friends and do nice things. But its still a struggle at times. But I try not to let people see that because I dont want them to plan things around me.
So here I am, 24 hours on and still feeling wobbly as can be. But less angry at myself because mistakes make me human and being human is good. Doesn't make them hurt any less but I know I'll be alright. I'll apologise to Luna and my friends, make amends and probably stress bake some cookies or cupcakes and head into class on Tuesday with my head held high, remembering the 4 million little wins and fighting to keep those close to my heart. After all, I know the fear, anxiety and triggers will fade but those precious memories of joy and freedom and hope and of me sat in the sun enjoying being social with both new people and friends, won't fade for a long time. I just need to convince my brain people don't hate me, in order to enjoy those memories... hopefully I'll get there some day soon!
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