Date: 7th March 2023
I have lost so many parts of myself I used to love and treasure, that I sometimes wonder "who am I?". I feel like sometimes I genuinely have no identity and have no idea who I am anymore, like everything I used to believe in, has been torn away, leaving me a shell of who I once was. I know lots of this destruction was not my decision but was done to me by tutors who thought their actions were ok and by friends who thought turning on me, was fine. The damage to my old self was so gradual, it often makes me so maddeningly sad because I never saw it coming. It was always the people I trusted to never hurt me, that did just that. There are days where I am ok with this knowledge I am never going to be able to go back and save this old version of me and I just try my best to just be this new version of me instead and be happy with who she is. But there are many days where I feel a huge sense of loss for the person I once was. It's like the gorgeous, bubbly 15 year old me, who was shy but loved who she was, believed enough in herself to chase her dreams and tried her best to not waver in her love for herself, died and I'm left to grieve her life.
Little Me or "Shadow" as she is called in therapy, is a lost soul left to wonder this earth alone forever. She's trapped in a time of love, care, naivete and trust. A time where she knew who she was, loved acting, singing, performing and dreamed of nothing more other than becoming a west end actor and playing Elphaba in Wicked. The shattered pieces of her, still live on in me, but are no longer whole. She no longer lives in the wide eyed, hopeful version of herself, instead part of her are hidden away, while others still live in me, reminding me of what could have been, if only I had made a different choice. I wish more than anything that I could recover her and go back to that more blissful, simple view of the world. Before the trauma, before the heartbreak, betrayal, hurt, pain and trust being broken in ways it should never have been broken. But I can't.
I look at this little tiny being - who in my mind is a scared little toddler, just learning about the world, who clings to me leg and cries when something unknown comes along and approaches her - and just want to wrap her up in a warm hug and tell her it's ok. She is enough. She will never be made to doubt my love. She is safe. But because she's so small, there's no comforting her. She's just scared and uses me as a shield to hide behind. In my head she's a featureless shadow. Nothing can be made out of her, she's just a little dark shadow who holds my hand everywhere I go. Sometimes she's brave and lets go to explore the world but most of the time, in my head, there's three of us. Me. Shadow and Trauma. Because yes, in my head my "trauma" is also another human. I don't have DID though, I just have a very vivid imagination and find it easier to visualise myself as 3 people, each defined by something.
Shadow is dark, featureless and free to roam the world. Trauma is a dark, ominous, flickering red (like fire), with dark soulless eyes and a thorn filled net. They're caged. They fight and howl and battle against the cage and throw this net at anything that moves. Shadow stays away from Trauma, she doesn't interact with them. For her, I am the only person she cares about. But Trauma will lash out at anyone. They do not care who they hurt, they just want the pain to stop. They are so angry and scared and vulnerable but will not show their weakness to anyone. They feel everything. They are aware of everything. And when that net they launch your way catches you, it becomes your entire world, fills you with fear and pain, until you battle your way out of it and set yourself free.
I often feel like I cannot control either one of my unwitting duo of companions. They run a muck. Trauma often rages their way out of the cage and terrorises Shadow or myself. And I have to run around in my head dousing the fire trail left behind with anything I can throw at it. Shadow freaks out at anything that looks her way and runs to me, screaming in fear and overwhelms me with all her thoughts and worries. So between the two of them I feel like I spend so much of my life trying to calm them down and forget that I need to look after myself as a whole. But I won't stop trying to calm them. I won't stop trying to help them and helping myself in the process. All three of us have trust issues and different struggles but they are a part of me. Yes it may be easier to view them as separate things, different people but we are one. They are part of me and gradually over time I am learning how to help us all to live a life we are happy, safe and comfortable in.
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