Date: 13th June 2023
Sometimes I feel so broken, so afraid of my own reaction to a perceived wrong doing, and how I spiral out of control for no reason, so fast, I frequently miss it. I feel ashamed of my past that gave me those reactions and frequently angry of my anxieties that swirl those feelings and sink them into my being. I feel like I am to blame, for it was my inaction that led me to where I am. If only... why did I... I should have... I never really win and I feel like I sometimes live in fear of a reaction (or trigger) to something because they are out of my control and give those around me a moment of vulnerability they *could* choose to use against me for their own good. And this is despite knowing in my heart that my friends and support group would NEVER dream of hurting me, far from it.
But I fear these feelings of embarrassment and shame will never go away. That no matter how hard I work in therapy, the moments that bring me to my knees and make me want to give up, will never fade. Sometimes I genuinely believe those who hurt me will never leave my mind and that despite having many years between the last time I saw some of them, I still panic that they will find me. It's like my body cannot forget their actions or forgive itself for failing to keep itself safe. And the times where everything washes over me... well I sometimes question why I bother fighting at all. Because the reactions to nothing and everything at the same time are so fast, its like being hit by lightning from a storm you never noticed was coming. And it feels so real. It's really terrifying at points. And recently these triggers, these reactions, have been more frequent and I'm not sure why.
I try to hide these reactions from everyone - Luna and Jack included. I'm still ashamed many years on of my past and my reactions to the little things remind me that despite it being 6 years at this point from meeting Sara, that I still am not free of the damage she caused me. And may never truly be free. And I hate the idea of people in my life at the moment viewing me with pity or fake concern like she did. Its like I somehow cant believe people would actually want to help me. And I guess that makes sense because I had years of people NOT helping me when they found me in tears. I have had years of people using my moments of vulnerability as leverage, as blackmail to get me to do something, taunting me with the hope of support to get me to help them and then never actually following through on said promise of support. So I learned to suffer in silence and deal with things myself. I keep my struggles to myself where possible, hold my secrets close to my chest and only when someone finds me or I reach out to a safe person, will I let someone know the struggles that are lurking beneath the surface. I'm used to being alone and have mastered the ability to either hide or stem a reaction to something until I can get somewhere that is people free. And only then do I start to ground or help myself. This ability to pretend I'm fine shouldn't be something I am proud of but it is. I don't like being caught feeling or being vulnerable when its not in my control and I hate the idea of someone finding me or hearing me trying to calm myself down or ground. That's why I find somewhere quiet and isolated. It also helps me feel safe because I can survey the room and know nobody is there and nobody will be able to hurt me in my moment of weakness.
But today, that plan of being alone and hiding things from people completely fucking fell apart. I'd been fighting an ongoing reaction to being trapped in a room and unable to get out. I know exactly where and when this trigger came from and being stuck in an unknown space, unable to help myself is a feeling that brings up many many uncomfortable memories for me. I wasn't able to process it when it happened as I had back to back meetings but I worked myself into a state and then had to sit there in meetings, in said state, unable to chill or process. I used distraction techniques, talked to my friend Todd and to Luna who was there with him, spoke to Jack and then when everyone had cleared out of the room and silence fell, I broke. I burst into tears and sobbed. Then promptly realised this wasn't just an "I'm sad and need to cry" moment but was heading very quickly towards either an emotion or body memory based flashback. And fucking hell I fought that with every fibre of my being. I did not want to deal with a flashback, I did not want to panic, or cry or lose control. But despite attempting to stave off the inevitable, I did eventually have to confront the panicky, shame, horror, fear and abandonment/feeling completely aloneness that came crashing over me, like a massive fucking tsunami slamming into a rock face. And it stayed, even once the flashback had fucked off, this feeling of slimy, earth shattering fear, shame and panic didn't really leave my body. So I grounded myself, which involved speaking to myself, speaking out loud, admitting what had happened and telling myself the differences between the flashback and present day etc etc etc. But what I had failed to notice before losing my shit, was the fact that the little study room off our common room staff office was occupied by Luna... She hadn't left when I assumed everyone had gone and had in fact, been working in that room THE ENTIRE TIME! I know deep down this woman will never in a thousand years use anything she may have heard against me but it amplified the feeling of shame into feeling utterly mortified, desperately wanting to apologise for everything and once I realised she had been in the building - and therefore able to hear everything that happened - I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide. I still do.
I think the flashback was a combo of things and I need to process whatever the heck it was that my body hasn't let go of yet but ugh, I'm frustrated that my master plan of "wait until everyone has gone, then breakdown" failed... but at least it failed with someone I trust and know and not some random human?
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